I'll Be Home for Christmas

Bomb Rating: 

"Hey, I've got this Christmas film. Let's get that woman, Arlene Sanford, who directed 'A Very Brady Sequel' to do it." That's like saying, "Hey, I've got all this cocaine I need transported safely across the country. Let's get Robert Downey, Jr. to do it."

I don't know where to begin. Maybe I should begin with the notion thatsome studio weasel actually sat down and said to somebody, "Hey, I've got this Christmas film. Let's get that woman, Arlene Sanford, who directed 'A Very Brady Sequel' to do it." That's like saying, "Hey, I've got all this cocaine I need transported safely across the country. Let's get Robert Downey, Jr. to do it."

Maybe I should begin with the notion that Jake Wilkinson (Jonathan Taylor Thomas) attends some college in California when he doesn't look old enough to attend R-rated movies. In addition, he has a friend who looks young enough to still be searching for his first pubic hair.

Maybe I should begin with Jake's girlfriend, Allie (Jessica Biel), whining incessantly about having a traditional Christmas as if someone had just peed in her Wheaties. Jake wants to take her to Cabo San Lucas to celebrate the birth of Baby Jesus with margaritas and nonstop anal sex, but she's aching for an old-fashioned holiday.

Maybe I should begin with this wonderful movie's central motivating plot point: Jake's dad, David Wilkinson (Gary Cole), promises that if Jake makes it across the country to join the family for Christmas, he'll give Jake a Porsche. This pretty much sums up the lesson of Christmas; act like an asshole your entire life, but if you can manage to pull it together for one day in which you pretend to like your family and pretend to believe in God, you'll get life's ultimate reward: a Porsche.

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