The Imposters

Bomb Rating: 

Stanley Tucci is bald. Oliver Platt is fat. When women look at them,nipples don't get hard and panties don't get moist. When men look at them, they think about cheese. So how in the hell do these two guys become leads in even a minor motion picture? Well, there's only one way: One of them had to put his neck on the chopping block and risk everything in a futile attempt to disprove the notion that nobody wants to pay $7 to watch ugly, fat or bald people in a movie. As we all know, ugly people already have their assigned role: that of the perky, single friend who doles out advice between jokes, but isn't in the film for more than two minutes. For most of us who want ugly, after all, we can stay at home.

So what does Stanley Tucci have to say that's so important that he and Oliver need to say it? Nothing, really, but their roles as unsuccessful actors are at the very least plausible. After being accused of assaulting their least favorite actor, Jeremy Burton (Alfred Molina) in a bar, Arthur (Tucci) and Maurice (Platt) end up as stowaways aboard a ship where everybody seems to be pretending to be somebody else.

This is the kind of movie you're forced to watch when you're in your grandma's house trying to hook up your Playstation to her 1950's black-and-white and she demands that you watch her favorite movie so you agree because she's your grandma and next thing you know you're offering to change her adult diaper if she'll just shut off the fucking television. Remember, any movie that's descibed as "zany" is unlikely to hold the interest of anyone between the ages of 7 and 70.

And boy is "The Impostors" zany. Zany, zany, zany -- wacka, wacka, wacka. Your grandma might call it "classic hi-jinx" after which she inevitably starts telling you a story about the Depression and how "classic hi-jinx" was the only thing that made life worth living. Arthur and Maurice utilize their acting skill and play dress-up hoping to prove that a mysterious couple and the ship's first mate (Tony Shalhoub) are not who they appear to be. After that, people pretty much just run around the boat acting zany while the audience prays for an iceberg.

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