“Yo dawg – we heard you like to dream, so we put a dream in yo’ dream so you can sleep while you sleep!”
If Inception had been directed by Xzibit, then that would have been the tag line. But instead, it was directed by Christopher Nolan and so instead of a rapper’s folksy wisdom we were instead treated to two and half hours of poorly-filmed shaky-cam fight scenes, four thousand lines of expository dialogue and the kind of weak narrative thread that wouldn’t hold together an elementary school Christmas pageant. You know how when you go to see a play, and it turns out that it’s really a play within a play within a play – within a play? This is exactly like that, only it’s with dreams – and it sucks even harder.
The basic problem about making a movie about dreaming is that in dreams, you can do anything you want to do and it doesn’t have to make any sense at all. If you were to commit that concept to film, you would end up with some kind of David Lynch meets Darren Aronofsky monstrosity that wiped your brain clean of rational thought by the time the opening credits had rolled by. Or a movie directed by Renny Harlin.
Nolan, however, thought he had a better way to approach a movie about dreaming: make it really, really boring. In fact, make it so boring that the audience is unable to tell if it is asleep or awake. Then, insert a completely wasted cast of A-list actors and tell them to read every line as though it were coming from a text book on How To Be Dull And Alienate People. As a final touch, include only two female characters, one of whom is dead (SPOILER ALERT!), so that audiences don’t catch on to the fact that you are incapable of writing for anyone without a y chromosome.
Oh, and make sure to stretch the fucking movie out as long as fucking possible by including the kind of pointless action sequences that look as though they have been pulled straight from a generic first person shooter set on the ice planet Hoth. Seriously, there is a 45-minute segment of Inception where everyone wears white camo and gets a huge gun, and in between scenes of faceless enemies blasting away at our heroes on snowmobiles we are treated to a slow motion shot of a Ford van falling off a bridge backwards. I only wish that I were making that last sentence up, but this is a really pivotal part of the movie – at least, I think it was – because right after it ended, I lost control of my bowels. All that was missing was a Wampa and Jaws from the James Bond franchise and it would have been the perfect generic movie mindfuck.
I really would like to be able to say that Inception was an innovative film about dudes stealing the dreams of other dudes and maybe getting frisky with some kind of sexy ‘dream girls’ along the way, but I can’t. Instead, I have to tell you that Inception is the reason I became a homeless heroin addict. Or at least one of the reasons. Because it was boring or something. I’m sorry, I left the part of me that cares back in that movie theatre.
Oh, and as a side note, has anyone else noticed that DiCaprio will now only star in movies that allow him to exclusively wear 50’s-style clothing? What is up with that?
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