An Inconvenient Truth

Bomb Rating: 

The only thing worse than listening to Al Gore talk of impending doom is listening to Roseanne Barr sing the national anthem.

As we all know, global warming is one of the biggest hoaxes in human history, perpetrated on us god-fearing people by knee-jerk liberals. Let's remember that God has a plan for us and if it involves melting the polar ice caps and killing a few thousand polar bears then so be it. To say I wanted to vomit throughout the entirety of this movie is an understatement so mild that the power of its mildness could itself probably melt a polar ice cap or two or possibly make Bill Clinton rethink his love of sodomy.

The only thing worse than listening to Al Gore talk of impending doom is listening to Roseanne Barr sing the national anthem. Why does Gore hate America? Clearly, the man has nothing but contempt for anyone who drives a car, uses electricity, or gets filthy rich from an ownership stake in a tax-exempt coal-burning power plant. I can tell you, with the exception of the latter, almost every American falls under Gore's wrath. He hates you because, according to him, you are a contributor to global warming. This also means that Gore really hates himself, which means that his warnings of impending doom are simply an expression of his self-hatred.

Gore claims -- and let me make sure I get this straight -- that there has been absolutely zero opposition to the theory of global warming in any scientific peer review journal. In other words, no article opposing global warming or the science of global warming has ever made it to publication. I say bunk. There are many scientists who disagree about the severity of global warming and some who flat-out claim that historical planet temperature variances don't support the claim of a crisis. Take, for example, all those science advisors in the Bush administration, who correctly point out that global warming simply wouldn't fit into the seven days of creation and if it does exist is probably just "God's warm hug" of Christian humanity anyway.

Gore shows us tons of pictures of melting polar ice caps, holes in Greenland, and receding glaciers around the world. Just who took these pictures? Since Gore invented the Internet, he must have heard of Photoshop. Hell, I could make a glacier recede in about five seconds with Photoshop. I also know some swift boat veterans who would be happy to frag Gore and cast some doubts on his claims (though frankly, you get enough whiskey and baskets of cheese fries into those guys and they'll frag anybody).

So for argument's sake, let's assume that what Gore claims might happen actually happens and sea levels rise by 20 feet. Millions of people would probably be displaced in low-lying areas in China and India. Lower Manhattan would be flooded. But it's not like it's going to happen overnight. I mean, get a cab and head uptown, for Christ's sake. And if you can't climb 20 feet in a few years, you're probably a welfare bum or something and waiting for your free cab ride from the nanny state. That or you live in one of the stupid countries. Hey, in the long history of our planet, people and civilizations get wiped out all the time. So stop whining about it.

This is why those of us who are smart live on the high ground.

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Jon Stewart mocks Climate scandal

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

It seems some Brit "scientists" threw out some climate data from the 1980's that contradicted the hypothesis of global warming.  You probably did not see this story on the TV network news because they were too busy reporting the latest Tiger Woods gossip.

Check out this YouTube.com before it disappears. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Wt0ZaXu_CA

{;-) Dan in Miami

Ooops, too late!

Rajah's picture

Damn those copyrighters!

Al Gore catches up on naughty movies

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

From theonion.com

 Sources confirmed that Gore has been catching up on movies that Tipper would not allow the 62-year-old to view because they contained violence, adult language, or nudity. He recently finished watching Purple Rain nearly 26 years after his wife forced him to turn it off because the song "Darling Nikki" contains references to masturbation.

 

Gore also announced plans to stay up all night watching Porky's, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, Red Dawn, and The Terminator.

"Why would I need Tipper when I've got all this?" said Gore, gesturing toward stacks of compact discs, vinyl albums, VHS cassettes, DVDs, and Nintendo games. "I'll tell you one thing: If she thinks I miss her, then she's out of her mind, because I don't. I'm living the dream here, my friend. I'm not lonely at all."

Added Gore, "Not lonely at all."

In related news, family sources reported that Tipper Gore has been enjoying her newfound freedom by taking 20-minute showers and leaving the lights on all day.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/recently-single-al-gore-finally-able-to-listen-to,17824/

{;-) Dan (leaving the lights on) in Miami

 

 

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