Interview with the Vampire

Bomb Rating: 

"Tom Cruise, Brad Pittand Antonio Banderas suck chicks."

The fact that this film didn't become the highest-grossing moviein box-office history proves that film studio executives have brains no bigger than gum drops. Who cares that the film is based on Anne Rice's best-selling novel? Who cares about the creatures-of-the-damned thing? All the studio and director Neil Jordan needed to do was release a five-second teaser of brilliant simplicity, comprised of but nine words on a plain black background, that would have had every woman in America hopping to the theater like a crack-addicted jackrabbit: "Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and Antonio Banderas suck chicks."

There's even a hook for the men: a dead Tom Cruise. Unfortunately, men who arrived at the theater with their hormone-crazed girlfriends quickly discovered they'd been tricked -- Cruise was living dead. At least he was doing the next best thing -- for Tom Cruise -- to actually being deceased: acting.

"Interview with the Vampire" proves to be horror film in every sense of the word. Between the grisly performance of Cruise, the ability of Brad Pitt to so easily get women wet that it makes normal men weep, and the speech of Antonio Banderas, who can't string together a series of coherent English words without looking like he's got a serious bowel malfunction, you'll leave the theater with a lifetime of nightmare fodder

To make matters worse, the director is Neil Jordan, purveyor of the independent hit "The Crying Game." Consequently, men who also happen to be cinemaphiles are forced to turn away every time a woman appears, for fear she might suddenly pull down her pants and show us her penis.

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