The Italian Job

Bomb Rating: 

Does anybody see the scary pattern here? I think this is all leading to the unthinkable.

Young master thief Charlie Croker (Mark Wahlberg) must be ecstatic when he gets this sage advice from old master safecracker John Bridger (Donald Sutherland): Find a nice girl and settle down. Three things make this phallically triumphant news for Charlie: There's only one woman in the entire film, she's Bridger's daughter, and she looks exactly like Charlize Theron.

Charlie and Stella (Theron) grow close after they team up to steal some gold back from double-crossing, murdering Steve (Ed Norton), who has a stupid, little mustache and looks like the victim of a drive-by Dirty Sanchez. Conveniently for Charlie, none of his criminal buddies is interested in Stella, thus fitting in nicely with Hollywood's coupling rules: Lyle (Seth Green) is short and way into computers. Demolitions expert Left Ear (Mos Def) is black, and um, black. Wheelman Handsome Rob's (Jason Statham) overactive hot chick radar doesn't apply to women who might threaten him with actual interaction.

I thought this was all going to pay off when Charlie walked into Stella's room to provide comfort, accompanied by the hot vibes of the theme music from "In Diana Jones IV: Attack of the Trouser Snakes." Then I remembered that this film is rated PG-13, and I was the one about to be screwed.

This is Mark Wahlberg's third remake after "The Truth About Charlie" and "The Planet of the Apes." Does anybody see the scary pattern here? I think this is all leading to the unthinkable: a New Kids on the Block reunion. Call Tom Ridge and set the terror alert to red.

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