Jason X

Bomb Rating: 

The script for "Aliens" has apparently been introduced into the public domain.

Apparently the filmmakers had an epiphany with this latest installment of the "Friday the 13th" saga. And no, that epiphany wasn't to take Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder) and put him in a spaceship 450 years into the future. The epiphany was to allow Zamfir to score the entire movie. After all, nothing really says "an unstoppable killing machine is about to put a machete through my head" quite like the music of Zamfir, master of the pan flute.

When director Jim ("Hey, looky! I'm directing my first movie!") Isaac isn't trying to put us to sleep with Zamfir, he's trying to get us to figure out how leotards and leg warmers somehow migrated from circa 1983 sororities onto the bodies of nubile young medical students in the 25th century, where Jason and one of his keepers, Rowan (Lexa Doig), are unthawed. Personally, I always thought the only purpose of leotards and leg warmers was to be taken off in slow motion prior to a steamy shower, but apparently Isaac, wuss boy, doesn't agree.

Suggesting that the script for "Aliens" has apparently been introduced into the public domain, Professor Lowe (Jonathan Potts) concocts a plan to make lots of money off Jason by selling him as a precious artifact to some space circus, much like the Paul Reiser character thought of the aliens in "Aliens." Despite knowing full well that Jason is an unstoppable killing machine and that the greedy capitalist is always among the first to go in these stupid horror movies, Lowe recommends keeping Jason alive. Naturally, Jason rids the ship of any crew members capable of putting up a decent fight, as the stationed Marines go down faster than Anna Nicole Smith on a dying billionaire.

Despite 450 years of technology, nobody has invented a gun that shoots anything other than small bullets, nor have they realized that no unstoppable killing machine can do much damage if he's chopped up into a lot of little pieces. Fortunately, the ship does have an android on board (again, exactly like "Aliens") named KAY-EM 14 (Lisa Ryder) who eventually gets the best of Jason by finally wielding a weapon that actually puts a decently sized hole in things. Unfortunately for the remaining people, the ship's nanoprobes then reconstitute Jason into a truly unstoppable unstoppable killing machine. One only hopes that he's strong enough to kill this franchise once and for all.

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