Jurassic Park 3

Bomb Rating: 

Joe Johnston is Steven Spielberg on crack. That's right, this film is not helmed by Spielberg, and though it's no worse than the second film, it's still basically just 90 minutes of dinosaurs chasing a bunch of people nobody cares about around the island until the people figure a way to escape.

Though that doesn't sound much different from the first two films, it is. Believe it or not, this one actually has less story and character development. The people are just plopped down on the island and the dinosaurs start chasin', and that's about it. Wasting no time on silly character development, Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill) is conveniently brought back so that audiences don't root for the dinosaurs to maim the cast beyond recognition.

Everyone will undoubtedly agree that the first cast member deserving a little maiming is Téa Leoni. She plays Amanda, ex-wife of Paul Kirby (William H. Macy). Together they trick Dr. Grant and his assistant Billy (Alessandro Nivola) into flying over the second dinosaur island (I believe it's called Isla Segundo or Isla Cucaracha or Punta Madre or something like that), because their son has crashed landed there with his thrill-seeking stepfather. For what must actually be thirty minutes in real time (and remember, in a theater, this correlates roughly to dog years), Amanda screeches and whines like Lucille Ball during a glass shard enema. Really; she runs around the island bellowing "Eric!" at the top of her lungs even after some huge Asskickasaurus nearly eats everyone. I was kind of surprised Dr. Grant didn't unload a flare in her mouth.

Let me ruin a few "surprises" for you. First, the stepfather/second husband is a corpse. It seems to take Amanda two, maybe three milliseconds to come to grips with his departure. Eric is alive on the island. Nobody whose character development requires only one scene survives. Nobody who is not actually seen dying dies. Laura Dern is only in the very beginning of the movie and at the very end of the movie because she still hasn't gotten over Billy Bob Thornton running off to Koo Koo Land to Angelina Jolie. Any news stories you hear of an enraged film critic attacking a theater manager with his limited edition Jurassic Park 3 cup are all propaganda.

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