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For some reason, I get issues of Blender in the mail. I don't know who subscribed to it for me, because I sure didn't. I honestly don't care about most of the people covered in the magazine, and I'm sure someone got a good laugh out of subscribing a mainstream music magazine to me. But sometimes Blender is a fun read, like their article on the 50 Craziest People In Music, and this month they did the 50 Worst Songs Ever. They didn't include Dan Hill's "Sometimes When We Touch" or anything by Creed, but it's an interesting list.
50-Celine Dion "My Heart Will Go On" Apparently, it's cool to hate TITANIC now. Well, I hated TITANIC before hating TITANIC was cool. I especially hated "My Heart Will Go On," because Dion sings every note as if it were her last. Essentially, it's a song celebrating the lust between two dippy teenyboppers who don't belong together.
49-Right Said Fred "I'm Too Sexy" I got my first lesson in corporate radio with this song. One day I was tuning in a station and heard this song playing on four different channels at once. This song gravitates between incredibly annoying and a guilty pleasure, because it's so goofy. ("I'm too sexy for my hat-whatcha think about THAT?")
48. The Beatles "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" I've never been able to understand this song and something tells me John,Paul, George and Ringo didn't,either...
47. Bryan Adams "The Only Thing That Looks Good On Me Is You" I've never actually heard this song, so I can't comment. Adams is one of the worst offenders of the easy- listening crap radio genre,so I can honestly say I don't feel like I'm missing anything.
46. New Kids On The Block "Hangin' Tough" Oh,yeah. It was like living in an tape loop of BYE BYE BIRDIE while these guys were around. All the girls screamed. All the guys saw through them. The fact is that this song concerns five pretty boys who couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag trying to sound oh-so-tough.
45. Ja Rule featuring Ashanti "Mesmerize" I've never heard this one,so nothing will be said...
44. Meat Loaf-"I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" Waaaaay too long. Fascinating BEAUTY AND THE BEAST- inspired video,though.
43. Uncle Kracker-"Follow Me" Never heard it.
42. Simon And Garfunkel: "The Sound Of Silence" The article says "If Frasier Crane were a song, he would sound like this." This song always causes my eyes to get glassy and I stare into space until it's over...
41. Billy Joel-"We Didn't Start The Fire" Ugh, Billy Joel... I used to own STORM FRONT on tape, can you believe that? This ridiculous song is included. It's more of a catalogue than an actual song...
40. Color Me Badd-"I Wanna Sex You Up" Haaa haaa...remember this song? The article calls Color Me Badd "rejects from a Benetton ad" and calls out the stupid lyrics. "We can do it 'till we both wake up" and "Makin' love until we drown..." Whatever that means...
39. Ricky Martin-"She Bangs" The audial equivalent of a nervous breakdown facilitated by trying to write another hit song for Ricky Martin.
38. Rednex-"Cotton Eye Joe" To truly appreciate how irritating this song is, get a job at any arena where they play indoor soccer. You'll hear "Cotton Eye Joe" so many goddamn times you'll want to kill.
37. Gerardo-"Rico Suave" Reeeeeeecooooo...Suuaaaaaveee...
36. Master P featuring Silkk, Fiend, Mia X and Mystikal- "Make Em Say Uhh!" Uhh...Ex-Lax please...
35. R.E.M. "Shiny Happy People" Blender says "Not only is 'Shiny Happy People' an annoying song, but you also get the distinct sense that it's going OUT OF ITS WAY to annoy you." I couldn't say it better.
34. Dan Fogelberg-"Longer" Prozac set to music.
33. Aqua-"Barbie Girl" Yeeeech. Bad techno perpetuated by the talentless. Disturbing.
32. Will Smith-"Will 2K" Haven't heard this one.
31. Crash Test Dummies-"Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" One of the most boring and faceless bands ever and their worst song. Lyrics written by a mentally challenged five-year-old.
30. Whitney Houston-"Greatest Love Of All" A love song to herself. So '80s.
29. Deep Blue Something-"Breakfast At Tiffany's" What's this song about? The band always seems to be on the verge of putting their instruments down, as if they could care less. One of the worst songs I'VE ever heard, as well.
28. John Mayer-"Your Body Is A Wonderland" I really don't care about John Mayer,so I've never heard this song
27. Europe-"The Final Countdown" Cheesy beyond belief.
26. The Doors-"The End" I like this one,so I'm not going to comment.
25. Puff Daddy featuring Faith Evans and 112-"I'll Be Missing You" Remember that scene in TO DIE FOR when Nicole Kidman plays "All By Myself" at Matt Dillon's funeral? Same idea here...
24. Five For Fighting "Superman" I don't quite remember this one,unless it's the one about "still being called Superman." If that's it, I agree, I hate that song...
23. Corey Hart-"Sunglasses At Night" Never heard it
22. Toby Keith-"Courtesy Of The Red,White And Blue (The Angry American)" Speaking of Toby Keith, I don't CARE about Toby Keith. Neeext.
21. Spin Doctors-"Two Princes" Annoying, yeah...
20. Lionel Richie "Dancing On The Ceiling" Cheesy but strangely interesting...
19. Mr. Mister-"Broken Wings" The magazine says it best.The singer sounds like somebody who'd be improved by a restraining order. The lyrics always make me laugh my ass off. "The book of love will open up and let us in..."
18. Chicago-"You're The Inspiration" I have trouble telling REO Speedwagon, Chicago, Air Supply and Journey apart because of this song.
17. Hammer-"Pumps And A Bump." Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession: I owned a cassette copy of PLEASE HAMMER,DON'T HURT 'EM. Did I get past "U Can't Touch This"? Of COURSE not. Can't say anything about this one,because I've never actually heard it.
16. 4 Non Blondes-"What's Up" If they make a NELL 2, the vocalist from this baayund should maayake a perfect leeyud ayuctress...
15. The Rembrandts-"I'll Be There For You" Oh, right. The theme song from EVERYBODY'S favorite shitcom.
14. Bette Midler-"From A Distance" I remember this song being shoved down our throats for months.
13. Genesis-"Illegal Alien" Never heard it
12. The Beach Boys-"Kokomo" This is actually a good song because it makes you wish you were somewhere else...
11. Clay Aiken-"Invisible" I don't care about Clay Aiken,so...
10. Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder-"Ebony And Ivory" Never heard it
9. Madonna-"American Life" Haven't heard it
8. Eddie Murphy-"Party All The Time" Haven't heard it
7. Bobby McFerrin-"Don't Worry,Be Happy" Now this song richly deserves to be on this list...the theme song of ambivalence and blind acceptance.
6. Huey Lewis And The News-"The Heart Of Rock And Roll" Is your city included in this song? Whoopty-doo...
5. Vanilla Ice-"Ice Ice Baby" I don't think I need to say a word...
4. Limpbizkit-or is it Limp Bizkit? Who cares,they'd suck under any name "Rollin.'" This song's pretty much about what all Limpshitzkit songs are about-how tough Fred is and how there's nothing you can do before he beats your ass or objectifies a woman. Like their entire discography, it's knuckle-dragging misogyny at its worst.
3. Wang Chung-"Everybody Have Fun Tonight" I'd rather not...
2. Billy Ray Cyrus-"Achy Breaky Heart." I was working at the Convocation Center,ushering for a Travis Tritt concert. He got onstage and in the middle of his performance,he went on a tangent about Billy Ray Cyrus and how "this Achy Breaky shit don't last forever." Further proof: people line-danced to it.
1. Starship-"We Built This City" I can name songs worse than this,but yeah,it's pretty bad...the video is even stupider...
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