I always thought that life in Afghanistan was living in a giant ball of dust, but apparently, pre-Soviet invasion, things weren't so bad, especially if you were in the upper class. Such is the life for young Amir (Zekeria Ebrahimi) and his father, Baba (Homayoun Ershadi). Amir's best friend is Hassan (Ahmad Khan Mahmidzada), the son of his father's prized servant. And when I say prized, I don't mean it in that normal, "look, I'm rich, I have a servant" sort of way, I mean it in the Hollywood, "look, I'm rich and I have a servant and I really, really love and respect him so, so much" sort of way. Together, Amir and Hassan are the best kite flying team in all of Kabul because Hassan is the best kite runner of all-time.

Just an aside, but how in the hell does one kite fly around another kite and then snap its line? I've never seen that and don't believe it can happen. What happens in real life is that both kites fall from the sky tangled together like some cat toy from hell.

Instead of coming up with some plausible explanation as to why the young Hassan (Ahmad Khan Mahmidzada) is the best kite runner in all of Kabul, the film attributes this skill to something mystical. Instead of being a fast, wiley little kid, Hassan is the kite whisperer. It's this kind of crap that lowers the intellectual credibility of any movie.

SPOILER ALERT! WATCH OUT!

Hassan is a kid who is too good to be true. First, he has a spiritual connection to the kites. Second, he's completely selfless. Third, he's good to the core. Fourth, he's tough beyond belief. This kid has no faults to speak of. And what's his reward for all this? That's right, he's raped. Don't you just love moral tales involving rape? Here's a beautiful, loving child who some filmmaker decides to contrast with the cruel, uncaring world by having some homo brutalize him.

When Amir returns to Kabul to rescue his nephew, we learn, yet again, that homos have dragged the poor boy from the orphanage so that they can rape him too, just like his father. To make things ever more poignant, the homo who's doing the raping is the same homo who raped Sohrab's father. Apparently, there's only one homo in all of Afghanistan and Amir keeps running into him. Since we're all hung up on pejorative terms like "homo" these days, let me just point out that my use of the word "homo" is intended to be mocking and does not, in any way, mean to denigrate brownie scouts. I don't want anyone thinking I'm a homophobe. I love gay people, up to a point.

Obviously, I didn't think "The Kite Runner" was the heart-warming, family film it was made out to be.