Lawrence of Arabia

Bomb Rating: 

Since Sissy-Boy of Arabia likes the hot weather and can ride a camel long distances without drinking any water, the Arabs immediately fall in love with him.

Our first introduction to T.E. Lawrence (Peter O'Toole), who laterbecomes Lawrence of Arabia while uniting the various Arab factions against the Turks, comes as he hops on a motorcycle without a helmet, speeds off down the wrong side of the road (I don't care if he's in England or not), and kills himself when he careens over a hill and has to skid out of the way of some bicyclists.

The film then flashes back from his funeral and what we discover is a sissy, albeit a sissy who likes hot weather. Thus, he's sent out on a mission to find Prince Feisal (Alec Guinness), who turns out to be Obi Wan Kenobi with a very bad Arabian accent. Since Sissy-Boy of Arabia likes the hot weather and can ride a camel long distances without drinking any water, the Arabs immediately fall in love with him.

Lawrence ventures out into the hottest desert in the world with neither sunglasses nor suntan lotion. Certainly, if he doesn't get killed fighting the Turks, traversing vast stretches of desert in record time, taking cities like Aqaba, or getting felt up by nasty Turk leaders (Jose Ferrer), he sure as shit is going to bite it from skin cancer or cataracts.

It turns out to be a good thing the motorcycle accident gets him in the end (i.e. beginning), otherwise, we'd be forced to watch dermatologists saw creeping melanomas off the back of Lawrence of Arabia's leathery neck -- and no barf bag is big enough to contain that level of disgust.

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