There's at least one thing I would never make a movie about and that's me after about two cases of beer. But if I did, here would be a brief synopsis: Here's me falling down. Here's me throwing up on myself. Here's me falling down again and thowing up on myself at the same time. Here's me babbling incoherently. Here's me with my head in a toilet.

Since director Mike Figgis realizes that a movie about an alcoholic (Nicholas Cage) trying to kill himself isn't that interesting, he throws in a pretty prostitute that loves him in spite of himself. The prostitute is played by Elizabeth Shue. Let me just say this: if Las Vegas really had hookers who were intelligent, well-spoken, clean, educated, free of disease and looked like Elizabeth Shue, every city and town in America would be depopulated of males, because they would have run off to Las Vegas to pursue the dream.

This movie, in fact, is every man's fantasy. "Hey, I'm a complete loser, alcoholic slob, but there's this gorgeous woman who wants to sleep with me."

Hooray.