Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde

Bomb Rating: 

The first half hour feels like a commercial for a revolutionary new skin cream.

I wouldn't even let director Charles Herman-Wurmfeld mow my lawn, yet somebody out there in the wide world was willing to put millions of dollars under his control and let him direct a movie. Perhaps he should run for President too.

There's something very, very wrong about the tone of films such as this one. They open as though they were ending. It's as though the filmmakers decided to abandon any character or story development and instead just drop the audience right into the middle of something. It's like driving through a town you've already visited. It all seems oddly familiar, yet you know that there's still plenty you don't know. In the case of "Legally Blonde 2," the tone is a mix of "Teletubbies" and one of those freaky motivational seminars featuring that guy with the gigantic head.

The first half hour feels like a commercial for a revolutionary new skin cream. I tried desperately to find a single moment where the movie wasn't blaring some kind of tribal, commercial music mandating that everyone feel appropriately happy before introducing Elle Woods (Reese Witherspoon) to the big, bad world of Washington politics. She goes to work for Representative Rudd (Sally Field) and develops "Bruiser's Bill" to stop cosmetics testing on animals (she discovers that her dog's mother is one of the subjects in a lab).

Witherspoon glows with a radiant paleness so bright she can no longer visit airports because she blinds landing pilots. And despite the fact that she carries her little mutt around in her purse all day, no one asks the obvious question: How much dog shit is in that handbag of hers?

A list of this film's problems reads like the cinematic version of a plane crash victim list. There are two standing ovations in the film -- one after Elle first suggests her bill at committee, and another after she gives a speech before the full Congress. As we all know, standing ovations are the incompetent director's shameless way of convincing the audience that his character (and movie) is applause-worthy. After Elle gets her way in Washington, one of the characters actually says this line: "We never thought one person could make a difference before you came along." Ugh. Finally, at the end, the film sums up the story with subtitles so we can learn exactly what happened to every single character. This is when I concluded the director was possibly a lobotomized reptile of some sort.

The humor of the film could not be more repulsive. Elle convinces a conservative Congressman to work with her after Bruiser and the Congressman's dog are discovered misbehaving at a clinic. The conclusion? The dogs are gay. Yes, this is actually stated on screen: Bruiser has a lover and they are homosexual. Homosexual dogs. Perhaps this was meant to welcome homosexuals to the wonderful world of mainstream humor. Later, to convince everyone of the righteousness of her bill, Elle organizes the "Million Dog March" in Washington. Ugh.

Have you ever stood up in a crowded theater and yelled "Dear God, make it stop!" just to see what would happen? I considered it very seriously. Unfortunately, the muscles in my brain and body had atrophied after only a few short minutes into this horrendous excuse for a film and I was unable to move.

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