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CRANKYLAND WEEKLY GAZETTE
"New, Improved- 40% Less Accurate, and MORE Gratuitous Name-Dropping!"
JUSTICE DEPARTMENT PURSUES ANTITRUST CHARGES AGAINST AL
A tumultuous week at the Department of Justice ended in dramatic fashion on Friday when Attorney General Janet Reno announced her intention to prosecute Al for antitrust violations.
In a terse statment, Reno said, "Al's flagrant disregard for the relevant statutory restrictions clearly constitute anticompetitive activity that threatens the ability of other trolls to enter into and enjoy the benefits of the free posting system. As a result of his excessive posting, other trolls face prohibitively high startup costs that serve as an obstruction of the free flow of trolling commerce. We believe the evidence is clear and convincing that he has violated Section 69 of the Sherman Act."
When reached for comment, Sgt. Sherman, author of the Sherman Act, described Al as a bad solider and demanded that he drop and give him 2000.
Reaction in Crankyland and the Real World was mixed. A&W and Taco Bell stocks plummeted on the Crankyland Exchange, causing the greatest one-day fall in the Dow Jones Index on Monday. Still, many trolls were comforted by Reno's actions. Weekend posting featured little activity from Al, while a plethora of misogynist, homophobic trolls posted vigorously.
Troll sentiment was summed up by self-described troll Enormous Scrotum, who claimed his posts had gone largely unnoticed due to Al's recent dominance. "WHAT DOES A TROLL HAVE TO DOO TO GET NOTICED AROUND HERE" said Scrotum. "AL IS A BIG LOOSER THAT CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF!!!!! RENO KICKS ASS!!!"
Analysts wondered whether Reno's announcement would impact the DOJ's investigation of Microsoft. Reno, when asked for comment, replied, "Priorities, dumbass!" A postit obtained by Gazette staffers from Reno's desk had the words "To Do" written across the top along with the following list: "1. Bust Al 2. Bust Microsoft 3. Mow the lawn 4. Figure out if the President of the United States broke federal law" Sources within the Department of Justice hinted that Reno would drop the legal charges against Microsoft within the week, and would instead attempt to constrain the corporation by repeatedly flaming Bill Gates in various forums until he is compelled to cease and desist.
In related news, the Department of Justice opted not to pursue similar charges against renowned film critic Blurb Boy when other posters suddenly began blurbing within Crankyland forums.
ANALYSTS: CRANKYLAND AND FAST FOOD DON'T MIX
The latest chapter in the Al fiasco was an all-too-familiar reminder that fast food promotions tied in to Crankyland have been abject failures, with one notable exception. Marketing expert Garfunkel Laborious noted, "A&W and Taco Bell are taking a bath right now, and it was because they didn't learn from history. Crankyland and fast food go together about as well as oil and water."
Probably the most notable of these flops was McCranky's, a fast food franchise that attempted tie-ins with Crankyland celebrities. Unfortunately, menu items like the Richard B. Bernstein Happy Meal and Tick McNuggets, and Filet O' TOFKATCP never caught on. "It was hard to convince people to walk up to the counter and order a Verminburger with a g-spot potato," shuddered Laborious.
Older Crankylanders may remember Burger King's "Find Dick Stroker" promotion, where a lucky patron could win a million dollars if he spotted a Dick Stroker in his neighborhood franchise. After numerous complaints from local health deparments, the promotion was abandoned.
The list of failures goes on and on- from KFC's Kentucky Fried Shakesmear to Papa Gino's Spaghetti and LunaMoth Balls. Howard Johnson's attempt to start a sister chain called Gonad Johnson's was shut down after protest by religious organizations.
Still, one promotion has been an unqualified success: Jack-in-the-Box's "Woman Posters of Crankyland with Feminist Leanings and Literary Backgrounds", in which every week they give away a collector's cup featuring a different Woman Poster with Feminist Leanings and a Literary Backgr
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