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PART DEUX
:(-----TROLL OBITUARY-----):
Rufus L. King, largely recognized as the first troll in Crankyland history, died last week in his sleep at the age of 87.
In an interview with the GAZETTE before his death, King recounted the events that led to his historic trolling. "It was the summer of 1943- now that was the golden age of Crankyland. Back then, it was Mr. Cranky's Guide to the Talkies."
Every day, King would log on to his personal computer, which was 12 feet tall and 20 feet wide. "Computers today with their megahertz, and kilohertz... bah! My computer back then had five hertz, and I was happy! Those were the days."
When not playing Pong Deathmatch online, King would surf the forums at the Mr. Cranky website. "The war was going on in those days, and so all the bombs were sent over to Europe for the war effort. Cranky made do by reviewing movies with blown-up paper bags. If a movie really stank, we'd all post, "HEY CRANKY! THIS ONE'S A REAL FOUR-BAGGER!"
Eventually, however, King became bored with Crankyland discussion. "There's only so many times you can read posts that say, 'THAT DISHY DAME GREER GARSON HAS A GREAT SET OF GAMS!!!' I decided to liven things up a bit."
Under the pseudonym "Hirohito's Minion", King posted, "USA SUCK! SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY OR I KAMIKAZE YOU!"
"The next morning when I logged in, sure enough, there were 20 outraged responses! I remember Betty Boop called me an 'assface', and Hofstadter thanked me for playing and told me to have a pleasant evening."
Unfortunately for King, then, as now, the FBI closely monitored Crankyland and its residents actions. King was hauled off to an internment camp. He described the conditions there as grueling: "No internet access, and I had to share my email account with two other families."
He was released at the end of the war, and returned to Crankyland, but found that most of the regulars had disappeared. "Everyone complained that the place had been overrun by trolls, and that there were no good conversations anymore."
King retired from active posting in 1957 after posting the ending to "Witness for the Prosecution" without putting "SPOILER" in the heading. He is survived by his Gateway computer, Frank, and a Hewlett Packard Deskjet.
NEW STUDY: ACTRESS HAS ENORMOUS TITS
An extraordinary new study published in the NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MEDICINE presents the hypothesis that actress Jennifer Love Hewitt has large breasts.
The study, coauthored by acclaimed scientists The Answer Person, My Shlong, The Original Martian Anal Probe, The Man Who Loves Tits, Gizz Fest, Luv um!, and Tit Enhancer, was hailed by observers as a real breakthrough. Ironically, the team stumbled upon their discovery by accident while conducting a similar study on Neve Campbell's breasts.
Those familiar with the group's work anticipate that they will use their grant from the Nobel Foundation to replicate their results, by obtaining a fake ID and credit card so that they can log in to the many pornographic sites on the internet. Gizz Fest noted, "We gotta make sure she's not padding- like, I know this chick in the eighth grade who pads 'em so that the high school guys like her. Chicks do that sort of thing all the time!"
Others criticized the study as incomplete. John Grey, noted psychologist and author of MARS AND VENUS AT THE CRANKYLAND PROM, noted, "The fact that these researchers were all weaned off breast feeding at a far too early age presents a significant environmental bias." However, the scientists' dedication was commended; in particular, observers noted Gizz Fest's willingness to, er, test the results by experimenting upon himself.
The study overshadowed a similar study in the same issue of the JOURNAL focusing on Brad Pitt's "droolability".
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The CRANKYLAND WEEKLY GAZETTE is posted whenever America Online thinks it's OK. Please submit any other stories, thoughts, advertisments, or other ideas of interest to the Crankyland community on this thread. Birth notices are PARTICULARLY encouraged! The contents of the CRANKYLAND WEEKLY GAZETTE do not reflect the actual opinions of the actual Blurb Boy.
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