The Little Vampire

Bomb Rating: 

Jonathan Lipnicki's major talent appears to be saying the word "dude", because he does it so many times in this film that you wish the Cute Police would swoop in from nowhere and decapitate him with the rusty lid of a sardine can. If this is the type of crap that's going to be released this time of year, then somebody needs to outlaw Halloween.

This is a story about a boy, Tony (Lipnicki), who befriends a young vampire named Rudolph (Rollo Weeks) then helps save his family from potential annihilation by a nasty vampire hunter (Jim Carter). Rudolph's pa is played by Richard E. Grant and his ma is played by Alice Krige. This friendship blossoms because Tony dreams of vampires and because his family has just moved to the English countryside and the little English kids like Tony about as much as they like cosmetic dentistry.

While this is a kid's film, director Ulrich Edel's last major theatrical film was "Body of Evidence," that hideous piece of crap where ├╝berhag Madonna screws everyone in sight. Though there was clearly a chance for an utterly deranged amalgamation of the "Body of Evidence" thematics and the "Little Vampire" thematics, Edel opted to torture us with never-ending shots of Lipnicki standing motionless, staring at something shiny and trying to look cute. With all the talent this kid has, I will eat a phone book if he doesn't spend his teenage years barfing out endless commercials for AT&T or nursing a serious heroin problem.

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