The Lizzie McGuire Movie

Bomb Rating: 

Why does every sweet and wholesome female child star have a rack like a bronzed trophy case at a Miracle Gro melon contest?

The only reason for sticking a 15-year-old girl with as little talent as Hilary Duff on the big screen is so that the fathers who get dragged to such things with their gaggle of obnoxious kids can fantasize about Hilary as she parades around in one tight outfit after another. If this isn't true, answer me this: Why does every sweet and wholesome female child star have a rack like a bronzed trophy case at a Miracle Gro melon contest?

If I didn't know Lizze McGuire (Hilary Duff) was a television show, I certainly would have guessed it because this movie employs the kind of acting one associates with bad television: you know, the sort of smarmy, egocentric child-acting that causes otherwise sane women to have their fallopian tubes ripped out in back alleys by shady men with suspect medical degrees. The top offender is Lizzie's brother, Matt (Jake Thomas), who looks like he's trying out for "Corey Feldman's Acting Camp."

Lizzie and crew are off to Italy, where she's immediately mistaken for an Italian pop star and whisked away by the Italian pop star's partner, Paolo (Yani Gellman), whose accent flutters in and out like Kevin Costner's in "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves." Paolo has a plan that involves getting Lizzie to do some singing with him to lure back that partner, Isabella (Hilary Duff).

Assuming that many of the conflicts from the TV show were carried over to the movie, I had just a bit of a hard time believing that Lizzie is the school geek while her nemesis, Kate (Ashlie Brillault), is the school's Ms. Popular. It's always those puffy-looking, obnoxious chicks like Kate who get all the guys. Let's face facts -- if Kate is really that popular, then she really puts out.

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