The Lord of the Rings

Bomb Rating: 

Geeks rejoice!

Let's face facts: J.R.R. Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" books are responsible for more loser circle jerks than Playboy, "Baywatch" and Linux combined. As most people know, the series was the inspiration for the game Dungeons and Dragons, which inspired misfits worldwide to walk around with little felt bags of twenty-sided dice, discussing their imaginary lives as ax-wielding dwarves to anybody who would listen.

Geeks rejoice! Fellow geek Peter ("Meet the Feebles") Jackson has made the entire "Lord of the Rings" into a movie that will be released in three parts over the next three years. (In case you didn't know, "Lord of the Rings" isn't a trilogy, but a single book divided into three parts. I know this because after giving a speech at Harvard, a thirty-something professor once urinated himself explaining it to me.)

This is a book about destroying a ring that causes men to be bad, kind of like Old Milwaukee. However, because this is a fantasy, it's necessary to go over the different types of creatures that inhabit Middle Earth.

Hobbits - This is the race of people from which Danny DeVito and Michael J. Fox are descended. They are short and very stupid. For instance, several of Frodo Baggins' (Elijah Wood) friends nearly get everyone killed by building a fire and attracting the evil force following them. However, nobody really cares about them because they're so short.

Wizards - Tall, old, bearded magic users who carry big sticks and spout bad philosophy like they've got a hotline to Oprah. Gandalf (Ian McKellen) is the main representative of this race.

Elves - Anorexic and pale. They are constantly bathed in warm light and speak as though they've been reading too much bad poetry and gobbling ecstasy.

Dwarves - Thick, smelly, smallish creatures that don't like the elves because the elves apparently bathe.

Humans - The most boring of the lot. They all seem especially pensive because not much makes them stand out.

Frodo goes on a quest to return the ring to Mt. Doom. With him are a fellowship of creatures including his stupid friend Samwise (Sean Astin), Gandalf, Strider (Viggo Mortensen), Gimli (John Rhys-Davies) and Boromir (Sean Bean). Has anybody noticed that between "Rudy" and this film, Sean Astin looks as though he may have actually eaten the real Rudy? Has anybody seenthe real Rudy?

Since this is part one of three, the movie just sort of abruptly stops after three hours. One of Jackson's bigger mistakes is giving well-known actors cameo roles that distract the audience from the main story. Liv Tyler plays the elf Arwen UndUmiel and sings a nice Aerosmith song out in the middle of the woods. Cate Blanchett appears as Galadriel, who glows so brightly you'd swear she'd been irradiated. It's bad enough that this movie is long and dull, but the thought that I'm going to have to sit through another six hours of this crap just makes it that much worse.

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