Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Cranky guest reviewer: Trent Lott.

First, I would like to extend the warm hand of friendship to all readers of this column no matter what color they might be and repeat once again that segregation is bad, immoral and the work of Satan. The only reason I said what I said at Strom Thurmond's birthday party is because I was trying to humor an old man and because I think one of his aides slipped a "Roofie" in my drink.

Now, this is the sequel to "The Fellowship of the Ring," which was the first movie in a trilogy of "The Lord of the Rings" by J.R.R. Tolkien. What happened in that first movie is that Frodo Baggins (Elijah Wood) got hold of this ring and he's trying to destroy it because it's evil. He's on a quest with his buddy Sam (Sean Astin) to take the ring to Moordor, where they'll throw it in the fires of Mount Doom. However, Saruman (Christopher Lee) is putting together this huge ol' army of Orcs, who are dark-skinned and obviously going to overrun Middle Earth and have sex with all the white Hobbit women and elves unless somebody stops them.

So, in the second film, Gandalf the White (Ian McKellen) shows up. We know he's good because he's white as a bed sheet, like the kind you use to cover your head when you're participating in activities where you might not want people to recognize who you are. His mission is to help Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen) stop the Orc advance on Rhohan. Unfortunately, the King of Rhohan (Bernard Hill), believes in the integration of rich and poor, black and white, and doesn't see the Orc army as an immediate threat. However, after a few battles, the King of Rhohan realizes that the Orcs are going to kill darn near everybody, so he takes his people to Helm's Deep to put up a fight against this black plague.

Even though Helm's Deep is a fortress, Aragorn realizes that they will need reinforcements, so he and Legolas (Orlando Bloom) hope for some Elvish help. Aragorn is still in love with Arwen (Liv Tyler), but Elron (Hugo Weaving), sees the many problems with this as Aragorn is human and Arwen is Elvish and when you start mixing blood like that all you're going to have is trouble and little freaky children running all over place with no clue what race they belong to. See, if Elron had just prevented Aragorn and Arwen from dating in the first place, he could have avoided all these sorts of problems, which is why he originally enrolled Arwen at Bob Jones University (she later withdrew against his will).

While all this is going on, Pippin (Billy Boyd) and Merry (Dominic Monaghan), two hobbits who are a little too close and have girls' names (if you know what I mean), are hanging out with these tree people, trying to convince them to enter the fight against the black plague. Eventually, the trees do fight against the black plague because they understand what a threat it represents. It's pretty obvious that even the trees prefer the small, white Hobbits to the ugly, black Orcs.

After a fierce battle, the black plague was soundly defeated and Saruman's plans foiled. I really liked this movie.

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