The Loss of Sexual Innocence

Bomb Rating: 

I despise Mike ("Leaving Las Vegas") Figgis like I despise Nazis and those burrs you get in your socks after hiking through a field. The guy's middle name ought to be "Pretentious." People like him can inspire entire Cultural Revolutions if they happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I suppose the title is good for people stupid enough to otherwise miss what the film is about. Insofar as art goes, one might surmise that, had Figgis had painted the Mona Lisa, it would have been called "Mysterious Chick Smiling"; if he had written "Romeo and Juliet," it would have been called "Lovers Kill Themselves." The man brings subtlety to cinema like Microsoft brings freedom of choice to home computing.

Ostensibly, the film is about Nic (Julian Sands), whose sexual relationship with his wife is similar to the relationship between a pervert and an inflatable doll. Nic meets a woman (Saffron Burrows) while working on a film and takes a liking to her. Figgis intersperses this boring story with what's apparently the tale of Adam (Femi Ogumbanjo) and Eve (Hanne Klintoe).

The result: Just about the stupidest cinematic subplot I've ever seen. First of all, does Figgis think we're all so moronic that we don't understand what's going on with Nic, and can only grasp his loss of sexual innocence by watching Adam and Eve urinate in the lake? Eve comes upon the forbidden fruit which is in a tree next to a house. A house? Either Figgis was trying to make a connection between cultural progress and the loss of innocence, or he was trying to save money by filming the entire thing in his back yard, and personally, I've got fifty bucks on the latter. Frankly, I wouldn't hire Mike Figgis to mow my lawn.

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