Lost In Space

Bomb Rating: 

What else would we expect from director Stephen ("A Nightmare on Elm Street 5") Hopkins and writer Akiva ("Batman and Robin") Goldsman? I find it hard to believe somebody can keep working after writing "Batman and Robin."

Weasels don't have the guts to make original science fiction films. That's why Hollywood executives base their decisions to produce sci-fi on one thing and one thing only: marketability. This is what causes these abhorrent television show remakes: People get sucked into the film on name alone, only to discover that the name is all there is.

"Lost in Space" is like an especially dull hour of "Oprah." You know the episode: Some dysfunctional family is sitting around discussing how Dad is a workaholic and won't pay attention to the kids, which has caused the daughter to act out while the son has withdrawn into a world of science and has no friends. Naturally, we all want to know why the mother doesn't divorce loser-man and take the kids with her, but she says she's devoted and knows he's a good man at heart. At this point, the audience boos.

The whole second act (i.e. most) of the film is a mess. Aside from an encounter with some computer-generated spiders, the Robinson family spends all its time acting out a therapy session. There's also a cute-but-stupid, computer-generated chimp -- but enough about Matt LeBlanc.

Really, what else would we expect from director Stephen ("A Nightmare on Elm Street 5") Hopkins and writer Akiva ("Batman and Robin") Goldsman? I find it hard to believe somebody can keep working after writing "Batman and Robin." It's the real-world equivalent of manning the deep-fat fryer at McDonald's and accidentally replacing the cooking oil with cyanide. They should fire you for that, not just move you to "shakes."

Compounding this space-fiasco is the presence of William Hurt in the father role. Is that spectacular wooden feeling he emotes supposed to provide some sort of odd contrast with the futuristic setting? If Hurt were any stiffer he'd have to pry his ass open with a car jack just to pass wind. Then there's villain du jour, Gary Oldman, who's been neutered to the point that he's about as threatening as soft rain. "Lost in Space" is just lost space.

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