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We open on a windswept vista, somewhere deep in cyberspace. As the mists clear, we see a small village, known to its inhabitants as Crankyland. The villagers lead quiet, happy, hardworking lives. All this background is made clear in a swift montage of establishing shots.
Then the camera swiftly pans to a nearby hillside, and we see two bandits riding over the hills. They have fixed moronic gazes, and as they giggle softly, we see that they are cradling gigawatt lasers in their arms. We hear them mutter such phrases as "Super-KOOL DuDes" and "That bAbe is ssOOOO HOTT!!!" as they ride closer and closer. We see that they are Simon the Great and Mr. Wonderful (playing themselves, of course).
After a swift succession of battle sequences, during which they use their gigawatt lasers to incinerate helpless villagers who try to stand against them (and they chuckle and say, "That DORK is now ssoooooo HOTT!!!!) and take over the village.
A small group of villagers flees the village and heads into the hills, seeking help. They find an old samurai warrior, who agrees to organize a team of samurai to defeat the Bandits of Stupidity and reclaim the village, if only the villagers will help. He begins to recruit his team -- a silent, skilled professional; a merry veteran of too many wars; a skilled horseman; a deft and acrobatic expert with the bow and arrow; a scholarly and quiet teacher who shows unexpected talent with firearms; and a samurai who sometimes finds himself transformed into a wolf.
The core of the movie is the epic battle between the seven samurai, leading the villagers, and the Bandits of Stupidity. Somehow, though the Bandits repeatedly let loose bolts of ravening electronic death from their gigawatt lasers, the samurai simply dance out of the way, while hurling deft and mocking insults over their shoulders. At the same time, the samurai repeatedly make the mistake of aiming for the Bandits' heads.
Finally, at the climactic moment of the battle, the scholarly gunfighter realizes that the Bandits have nothing in their heads. With a bloodcurdling battlecry, he throws himself forward, guns blazing, aiming for their vital organs and carefully aiming away from their skulls. He is wounded in the struggle, but he succeeds in slaying Mr. Wonderful. Seeing his comrade fall, mortally wounded, Simon the Great lets out a horrendous cry of grief and rage and tries to waste all the samurai and villagers with his gigawatt laser. The samurai have prepared for this eventuality, however, and produce mirrors that reflect the laser beam back upon Simon, causing him to burst into flames. As he is consumed by the fires that he himself has unleashed, and as his gigawatt laser overheats and explodes spectacularly, the villagers cheer.
The concluding scene is the villagers' grand celebration. They have burned Mr. Wonderful's corpse on a funeral pyre and scatter his ashes, and Simon's, so that the wind carries them away from the village. But we notice something -- the samurai are not taking part in the celebration. We cut to a shot from atop one of the large hills. We see the wandering samurai aiding their wounded colleague as they return to their quiet encampments, once more putting their swords aside and resuming the life of peace and tranquility.
Music up,
Fade out,
Credits roll.
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