Maid in Manhattan

Bomb Rating: 

What I thought was going to be five or ten minutes of pre-movie hype turned into 50 excruciating minutes of the most shameless boot-licking sycophantism I've ever seen.

Before your jaw drops to the floor and you start crying in disbelief over the awful rating for this film because you "just love J-Lo so much" and don't know what you'd do if "her movie sucked so hard that emigrating Mexicans crossing the Texas border suddenly found themselves in Vancouver," let me just say that the rating has nothing to do with the movie. I didn't get to see the whole movie. I walked out after 45 minutes. This review is for the pre-show. What in the hell is the pre-show? Let me explain.

I saw this film on a Sunday. The film was supposed to begin at 3:30pm. 500 people arrived in the theater as a clock projected onscreen counted down the seconds to showtime. Did we get a movie at 3:30pm? No, what we got was an uncomfortable close-up of two ass-kissing freaks, Shauna and John, who were outside a theater in New York for the film's "world premiere" (which was a lie since the film had previewed the previous night as well). What I thought was going to be five or ten minutes of pre-movie hype turned into 50 excruciating minutes of the most shameless boot-licking sycophantism I've ever seen. Here's how many times the following phrases were invoked:

Pretty woman: 5
Ben Affleck: 23
"Romantic": 57
"I'm cold": 122

It seems that Shauna, John and the "limo reporter," Peter, failed to wear enough clothing to their little journalistic endeavor. As a result, they tended to mention how cold it was �- every 30 seconds. This must have affected Peter's cognitive abilities directly, because when the first limousine disgorged its celebrity, he seized the opportunity to mistake Liam Neeson for Ralph Fiennes. Oops. When J-Lo and Ben Affleck finally showed up (after three or four shots of Peter nervously explaining the joy of watching "friends of the cast and crew" emerge from various limousines), Shauna had apparently gotten so cold that she made this astute observation watching Lopez from afar: "From a distance, you can feel the warm energy coming off her." I assume Shauna was really fucking cold if she was dreaming of using J-Lo as a heat source.

After about the 20th time John or Shauna mentioned the movie was going to open on December 13, I assumed it was going to be December 13 before I actually saw it. After warm-glow J-Lo got out of the limousine with momentary soul-mate Ben, I was hoping that we could finally watch the movie. No such luck. Again, more cuts back to Peter and the "incredible excitement" of watching such amazing celebrities as Pat Sajak and John Edwards (the speak-to-the-dead guy, who Peter implied wasn't invited) get out of their limousines. Peter then explained, at length, that Kirsten Dunst was apparently just down the street and due to make an appearance shortly. She didn't.

I will, however, extend some small bit of credit to John, who actually uses the word "dichotomy" in one of his interview questions. After 50 minutes of this insanity, when John and Shauna finally announced they were going off the air, the entire audience erupted into applause as though God had just granted them immortality.

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