Mallrats

Bomb Rating: 

Pretty much all of Kevin Smith's films suck, and the people who like them are buttsniff crackheads whose parents often must take legal action to get them out of the house when they turn eighteen.

Pretty much all of Kevin Smith's films suck, and the people who like them are buttsniff crackheads whose parents often must take legal action to get them out of the house when they turn eighteen. But this one is by far the worst, and the fact that people have been bothering me about reviewing it for the last two years explains why I'm forced to deny my identity as Mr. Cranky at Internet conventions, lest I be accosted by these smelly malcontents.

Jason Lee, former skateboarding champion (another idiotic endeavor if ever there was one: "Look, dude, I broke my kneecap on the cement. Righteous!"), makes his movie debut here. Apparently, he went to the Sam Kinison school of acting, because just about every single line he has is screamed out like he's trying to pass a small rodent with sharp claws through his urethra. Brodie (Lee) goes down to the mall with his buddy, T.S. (Jeremy London) after both of them get dumped by their girlfriends, Brodie by Rene (Shannon Doherty) and T.S. by Brandi (Claire Forlani).

The rest of the movie takes place in the mall as each guy tries to win his girlfriend back. Rene is hanging around with the manager (Ben Affleck) from one of the mall's clothing stores. He eventually admits to Brodie that he wants to have sex with Rene in an uncomfortable place, to which Brodie responds: "What, you mean like the back of a Volkswagen?" Of course, what the guy means is "in the ass", and this is about the film's only joke, which is repeated over and over.

The main reason this film is so bad is that it's technically a studio film, and what the studio demanded were boobie shots and all the harsh language removed. Not surprisingly, removing all the harsh language makes Kevin Smith wildly unfunny. He seems to think watching a guy staring at a sterogram is funny. And like all his other supposedly "good" jokes, he uses this one over and over.

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