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Hello.
I have been know as many things. Handles and titles and slander alike.
Handles: Ghost, Lizrdking, Crusader, Scorpion, Darksider, and Grey Warden.
Titles: Christopher Maurice Perry II, Son of Chris, Heir to none. IQ 170, CQ 95 Artist, Writer, Poet.
Slander: asshole, bitch, nihilist, bastard, freak, jerk, that guy, Porno boy, motherfucker, pagan, sweetheart, good friend, failure, loser, the love of my life. The list goes on and on.
Are any of these things me? I doubt it. I have many friends here, and many enemies. Do they Define me? No. Does God? I doubt it. So what does? Me? If so, do I like my definition? Again doubt creeps to mind. I sit here now to lay my soul out to you and to myself, begging you to make the decision. What am I?
I am confusing... I'll tell you that. I write to get the facets of my life into focus, I destroy in my writing to have some little power over the things around me. I have been Cruel. I have taken emotions of others and toyed with them for my own amusement. I once made a girl cry, why? Because I did not care about her. She cared about me very much. Yet I seduced her and then left her wondering what happened. You know what I did then? I made fun of her and the situation for years, while she cries. I have been Inconsiderate. My father and mother have giving me everything anyone could hope for and more. I spit on them daily. I dash their hopes and wishes to dust with each passing year. I am self serving. I am rude. (I'm sure some of you can attest to that.) These things I am.
On the other hand I have been kind. I have loved. I have given my all to people I do not even care about. I would die for people I do not even like. I have such capacity for good. When I play video games, I always play the good guy, I go to church, I pray, I love my cat, and my girlfriend. I treat her well, I make her feel like she is wonderful. One day I will buy her a rose, and pay 100 dollars for it. Not because I want to give the vendor a 95 dollar tip, but because she deserves a rose that costs 100 dollars. When I was 12 I told my parents not to get me a birthday cake because the family was strapped for cash... I asked for ten dollars to go buy a cd and that was all. My mom cried. I once gave a stranger 50 bucks to buy food. I love life and try to help others love it too.
I lie allot. I do it to make me look good. I lie because I am afraid. I lie because I am hateful. I cheat because I am greedy. I am spiteful because you have something I do not. I am nasty because I sound badass when I am nasty. That makes me look good does it not? I win because I am better than you. Its not wrong to think you are better is it? Nah. I laugh because you are stupid and I am not. I laugh because I caused you pain and I don't want you to see mine. I run because I am afraid. I am afraid because I have not confidence. I have none because you told me so.
I love greatly. I love because I care about you. You all make be special. Because I can see you shining. you all have good souls, just like me. I smile because I have mede you laugh. I laugh because the world loves me. Is this bullshit? I help because you need it. I listen because I want you to feel better. I cry because I have been there. I am there for you, I am here for a reason. I am not afraid to die. If there is a heaven I will be there smiling when you get there. I learn because you have something new to say, I yell because I want you to win. I lose for the same reason.
Now here I am. my thoughts float by like clouds driven ever so slightly by the wind. I want to listen. to catch every edge of every meaning of every word, as to find the core of my problem. I am a human being, just like you. I have a horrible sense of humanity. Please I implore you, tell me what you think I am. Help me find myself in this sea of faces. This wash of loneliness. Please..everyone who takes the time to read this, tell me what you think of me, what am I? half for my own morbid interest, and half to explore yourselves in the process of answering me. What am I?
D A R K S I D E R
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