March of the Penguins

Bomb Rating: 

I hate penguins. I just fucking hate them.

I hate penguins. I just fucking hate them. I remember going to the zoo and listening to all the other kids cooing about how cute they were and how wasn't it so interesting that they couldn't fly.

Penguins are God's joke on birds. The fact that they're even here on Earth is an evolutionary fluke. Leave it to the French then to force me to sit through a movie about how amazingly magnificent it is that some emperor penguins manage to reproduce at all. Do I care about penguins? No. Do I give a shit that they waddle 70 miles to their mating ground where they play a bizarre form of soccer with their eggs? No. Do I care that the mothers lose a third of their body weight and must waddle back the 70 miles to feed? No. Look, I drove over 200 miles to get laid once.

What I do care about is that director Luc Jacquet vilifies the poor leopard seal. That's right. You'll come out of this movie thinking that the leopard seal is possibly the meanest thing in the sea. It's like watching Flipper suddenly jump out of the water and bite Sandy's head off. Granted, it would suck something fierce to be one of those stupid emperor penguins, having walked 140 miles only to be eaten by a leopard seal. But I'll tell the world something: Those leopard seals have to eat. They have a right to eat. And yes, they have teeth. That's how they chew their food. Get a grip.

As if this all weren't enough, director Luc Jacquet makes sure that the audience knows just how god damn much he identifies with those fucking penguins. Actually, this version of the film, with Morgan Freeman narrating, is much milder in the anthropomorphism realm than its French-narrated predecessor, which actually provided voices for the little baby penguins so we wouldn't miss their struggle. Here, Freeman uses words like "unbearable" to describe the loss of an egg. A penguin doesn't know unbearable from shinola. It's a stupid animal.

This is a stupid movie.

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THIS ARTICLE IS SO FUNNY IT

THE ULTIMATE BC's picture

THIS ARTICLE IS SO FUNNY

IT HAS BROUGHT ME ENDLESS JOY

This article has increased

King Charles XXXVII's picture

This article has increased my hatred for penguins dramatically.
i love it.

I FUCKING LOVE PENGUINS

The Peanut of Worchestire's picture

I cannot believe the nerve.
penguins are God's gift to earth.
look at all the wonderful things they have achieved.
.....wait, i can't think of any.

....ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

penguins haven't done anything for mankind.

THEY SUCK BALLZ

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

onesiriuslover's picture

You are an uneducated bastard!
Penguins are adorable creatures that are strong enough to burden walking 34567876567428764 miles to eat and sleep and shit.
How can you no appreciate these creatures.
Go to hell.

YOU BLAST ENDED SKANK

Hannah Abott's picture

All my life I have adored the ways in which penguins live out their lives. All the milage they put on their metaphorical odometers of life...I mean, it's deep, man. You really should appreciate that. Take some time to take a trip to the north pole.
you'll see santa
and reindeer
which are moose in disguise.

HEY YOU FUCKING POTHEAD,

Anonymous's picture

HEY YOU FUCKING POTHEAD, PENGUINS LIVE IN THE SOUTH POLE

THAT'S RIGHT, MOFO

weasleytwin09's picture

penguins are fat little birds that stink of fish

who cares where they reside????

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT KNOW

penguins=<3's picture

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT KNOW WHERE THE GREATEST ANIMAL ON EARTH LIVES?!
DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU TO HELL YOU BASTARD!

I LOVE PEANUTS SO

I-LOVE-PEANUTS's picture

I LOVE PEANUTS SO MUCH!!!
Their salty nutty goodness makes my day so much better.
Peanuts are better than sex!
I would drive 6475298471194875982672562972098346758173465834602002048678450000008247650236025684miles to eat some peanuts.
Why the hell would you talk about penguins when you could talk about peanuts!

I wholeheartedly agree! why

BEER NUT's picture

I wholeheartedly agree!
why fight over penguins??
let's eat some honey roasted toffee covered peanuts!!

they're like an orgasm in every bite!

and they're not even technically a nut!!

it's amazing.

FINALLY

i-LOVE-PEANUTS's picture

FINALLY I FOUND SOMEONE WHO LOVES PEANUT AS MUCH AS I DO!!
we should get together 1 night. my number is 456-837-4771
give me a call and we can chat about peanuts

Hey hey Be ready I will blow

Ilovethenuts's picture

Hey hey
Be ready
I will blow your mind with peanutty goodness
Where do you live?
I'm bringing a big bag of peanuts with me
Caramel covered
Extra Salt
Honey mustard
All the flavors baby

Flavor of loveeeeeeeee

Lyle Lovett lyrics

FearlessFreep's picture

"Penguins are so sensitive

Penguins are so sensitive

Penguins are so sensitive to my needs!"

 

I'm not a nut! I'm a legume!

Rajah's picture

I once had sex with a

Nutty penguin's picture

I once had sex with a penguin made out of peanuts

Penguins? Feh...

Wulfgar's picture

...PUFFINS, now that's where the money is; colored like penguins, able to fly and (according to Andrew Zimmern) they're not only edible, but tasty as well...

 

Even Eskimos won't eat penguins!

 

 

 

 

 

~No, my young padawan; this one is mine.~

 

Puffins just waddle about

PuffinHater PotterLover's picture

Puffins just waddle about the place crapping everywhere, staring at you with their evil beady eyes, snapping at you with their vicious pointy beaks, rubbing against you with their slimy feathers, etc.

HAWT STUFF

Anonymous's picture

Peanuts Pictures, Images and Photos

word.

(No subject)

HPHPHPHPHP's picture

(No subject)

HPHPHPHPHP's picture

peanut Pictures, Images and Photos

LOOK AT THESE AND TELL ME THEY ARE NOT THE DEFINITION OF UGLY

awkward laugher's picture

My definition of ugly

FearlessFreep's picture

The Reagan presidency (and what it got away with).

 

The most banned book in the USA

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

The bird is the word.  Just how dumb can these right wingers get?

Tango

 

For the third consecutive year, the children's book And Tango Makes Three - about two boy penguins who care for an orphaned egg, so I guess you could also call it Tango Has Two Daddies if you were so inclined -  tops the American Library Association's list of most frequently challenged books of 2008.

"And Tango Makes Three," by Justin Richardson/Peter Parnell

Reasons: Anti-Ethnic, Anti-Family, Homosexuality, Religious Viewpoint,

 

Unsuited to Age Group

 

http://miamiherald.typepad.com/between_the_covers/2009/04/and-the-most-b...

{;-) Dan (Penguin free) in Miami

Sick perverted penguins corrupting our kids!

Rajah's picture

There's a storm coming and it's penguins!

Penguin character needed. $15 per hour

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

Penguin Character for Holiday Light Show

Date: 2009-11-18, 2:57PM

Penguin character needed for holiday light show in Coconut Creek Florida for 38 days.
Starts November 21st from 6-10 pm nightly.
Suit provided
Must be able to pass a background check.
15.00 an hour
Must be available every day of the week during show.
Able to double as Santa if needed so I am looking for someone that is flexible and
willing to help out.
Email me for an interview.
coc@alzcenter.org
 

  • This is a part-time job.
  • This is at a non-profit organization.
  • Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
  • Please, no phone calls about this job!
  • Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Original URL: http://miami.craigslist.org/brw/etc/1471912200.html

{;-) Dan in Miami

PS:  God I love Craigslist.org!

PPS:  Maybe Opus from Bloom County would be available.  You could pay him in herring guts!

 

 

I recall a Craigslist ad for a roommate space in an appt...

TMundo's picture

...for some obscenely low rental price, somewhere at the bottom was the catch, roomate will use appartment to shoot gay porn, arrangements can be mad so that you're not around when shooting takes place.

That penguin get-up sounds like a good deal.  I''d gladely take a night job dressed as santa outside some store.

Oops, sorry, I mean Penguins! Penguins! Penguins!

TMundo's picture

Penguins this! Penguins that! Peanuts!

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