March of the Penguins
I hate penguins. I just fucking hate them. I remember going to the zoo and listening to all the other kids cooing about how cute they were and how wasn't it so interesting that they couldn't fly.
Penguins are God's joke on birds. The fact that they're even here on Earth is an evolutionary fluke. Leave it to the French then to force me to sit through a movie about how amazingly magnificent it is that some emperor penguins manage to reproduce at all. Do I care about penguins? No. Do I give a shit that they waddle 70 miles to their mating ground where they play a bizarre form of soccer with their eggs? No. Do I care that the mothers lose a third of their body weight and must waddle back the 70 miles to feed? No. Look, I drove over 200 miles to get laid once.
What I do care about is that director Luc Jacquet vilifies the poor leopard seal. That's right. You'll come out of this movie thinking that the leopard seal is possibly the meanest thing in the sea. It's like watching Flipper suddenly jump out of the water and bite Sandy's head off. Granted, it would suck something fierce to be one of those stupid emperor penguins, having walked 140 miles only to be eaten by a leopard seal. But I'll tell the world something: Those leopard seals have to eat. They have a right to eat. And yes, they have teeth. That's how they chew their food. Get a grip.
As if this all weren't enough, director Luc Jacquet makes sure that the audience knows just how god damn much he identifies with those fucking penguins. Actually, this version of the film, with Morgan Freeman narrating, is much milder in the anthropomorphism realm than its French-narrated predecessor, which actually provided voices for the little baby penguins so we wouldn't miss their struggle. Here, Freeman uses words like "unbearable" to describe the loss of an egg. A penguin doesn't know unbearable from shinola. It's a stupid animal.
This is a stupid movie.
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