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CRANKYLAND HALLOWEEN SPECIAL
PART SIX
The journey had begun. The eight of us--Ender, Chica, Drew, Emerald, pRoDiGy, Captain Smith, Redundant, and myself--marched down an endless tunnel that was supposed to lead us directly to the outskirts of the Bonfire, where we would launch an attack on the Legion and then slay the master, Grundula. We each had a backpack full of stakes, a wooden cross, and our amazing--if temporary--epithelial powers to defend ourselves. Soon we reached the end of the tunnel, but it appeared to have no exit--just a dirt wall.
"Okay....now what?" pRoDiGy asked.
Chica replied,
"must proceed
wit
utmost caution.
yes?"
We nodded.
Ender then added,
"look close.
Peep lets youm
spy on
choon vampires.
See?"
He spread his arms up and apart slowly, and a small hole appeared the size of an apple. Ender motioned for me to come take a look, and I peered into it. The sight was ghastly.
skilly and Mr. Wonderful had done a good job back at camp--it appeared that everyone left behind had fallen victim or were falling victim, and those who had were marching steadily around the campfire in a trance, chanting Libertarianism dogma. Off to one side, I could see Nicky grab Brahma, who was frantically trying to escape but was too drunk to do anything about it. Brahma howled as Nicky audibly chomped down on his neck, drained him, then dropped him to go back to the circle around the fire.
Suddenly, my view was suddenly obstructed, then clear--someone has just run past. I gave a start then looked more closely. The obstructer was obviously a human, desperately trying to escape the scene.
"Hey, Ender, open it up a bit more," I said quickly.
"Youm see wombat?"
"Yes," I replied. "Quick, open it, just enough for me to squeeze through a bit." He did, and I poked my body out up to my waist and quickly scanned my surroundings. We were indeed very close, approximately twenty feet away from the fire, in the uphill incline about ten feet above the lower ground. The escapee looked up and saw me, and screamed my name in a female voice. I put my finger to my lips with one hand, then gestured towards me. It was too dark to see her face, but she had long flowing hair, and I reached down and grabbed a big fistful of it as I pulled her inside. Ender closed the portal behind us back to its apple size as we fell through and landed hard on the tunnel floor. I looked over at her as we dusted ourselves off, and I saw it was the Princess of PMS. She smiled gratefully at me.
"Thanks," she said breathlessly. "As you can see, it's a jungle out there."
"No shit," Red grinned. "How'd you stay out of it so long?"
"I had a lot of hummus at the refreshment table," she grinned. "Not to mention a fast pair of legs and an incredible amount of luck."
"Hummus?" Em inquired.
"Garlic spread," Red, pRoDiGy, and I all said in unison, then giggled.
Chica remarked,
"ah.
un plinky idea
the Princess speaks.
garlic
to protect
froopty wombats.
Yes."
Ender waved his hand, and suddenly a garlic lei appeared on our necks. We thanked him yet again; it could possibly not work with this breed of vampires, but we could use all the protection we could get.
"Is anyone else still 'alive' out there?" Captain asked.
"Only three--Wulfgar, whose fierce Scotch breath kept away more of those walking leeches than a whole field of garlic could; geodesy, whose hummus breath saved her, but is passed out in a drunken stupor with only her bra and panties on; and Fat Jeff, whom the vampires actually *did* attack, but apparently they couldn't get him..."
"Why?" Em asked.
"They couldn't find the jugular through all that flab." We all laughed.
"How pathetic, yet how convenient," Drew remarked.
Ender peeked through the hole again, turned around to face us, and gave us a nod. It was time.
We slung our backpacks on both shoulders, and stood at attention as Ender opened the portal all the way. We shut our eyes, concentrating, as we slowly lifted off the ground, out of the tunnel, and above the crowd. We remained unseen as we formed a circle in the air above and around the fire. We looked down to judge our distance around the flames' circumference, then began floating to the right, in the direction that the marchers were moving. We quickly picked up speed rapidly, as I scanned the others and made eye contact.
"Ready?" I shouted.
"Ready!" they answered, clearly and firmly. It was now or never.
"CCCHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGE!!!!!!!!" I bellowed...and we spun down in a whirlwind on the vampires, stabbing several before our feet even touched the ground. Using our Peter-Pan-like abilities, we easily sprung up, down, and over the heads of the Libertarian leeches. liquid-sunshine reached up and grabbed my leg as I speared PCB, then wrestled me to the ground, her eyes glittering for my throat. But before her fangs could make contact, I kicked her hard in the chest with both feet. She flew back, and I pitched a stake after her. The purple stake harpooned her directly between the ribs, and she was dead before she fell.
I leaped back up into the air and saw my other comrades bravely battling the enemy. Red was proving to be an awesome slayer, stabbing multiple vampires and still able to detect those attempting to sneak up on him--he simply grabbed them off his shoulders, flipped them to the ground, and flung the stake into their aorta. pRoDiGy's speed was simply astounding--her hands became a blur as she speared them left and right. Drew and Emerald were taking turns--one would play mind games to distract the leech, and the other would steal behind them and drive the spear in. Captain Smith liked to pin them to the ground first, then fling the stake like a dart (I assumed it must have stemmed from harpooning whales at sea). Ender and Chica were not part of the battlers, but were on the outskirts-- collecting geodesy, hastily throwing a robe and slippers on her and carting her back to the portal for refuge; Wulfgar, who had been bound and gagged to a tree; and Fat Jeff, to just keep him the hell out of the way.
"LET ME HELP!! I CAN FLATTEN THOSE ASSHOLE VAMPIRES!!!" he boomed.
Covering her ears, Chica said,
"ouch.
youm are much loud.
not froopty.
no."
"I WANT TO BE A WARRIOR TOO!!!! I AM SO FAT!!!! I CAN SQUASH THEM AS FLAT AS MY FAMOUS CREPE-STYLE PANCAKES!!!!!!" he bellowed, trying desperately to move over to the circle where my comrades and I were at work, but his corpulent frame simply couldn't handle moving that fast, and he sat back down, wheezing heavily. Wulfgar quickly joined us swinging his claymore, and grinned at me as I tossed him a few stakes.
"'Bout time ye goot yer arse here, lass!" he shouted gaily, as he headed straight into the eye of the storm--slicing, diceing, and stabbing as he went. Nevertheless, it was still only 7 warriors against about two thousand vampires, and we only had so many stakes to go around--even though Ender and Chica were desperately trying to keep up with the demand, we were still very low in supply. Suddenly, Grundula and his hideous assistant X-GOR descended from the sky, X-GOR still holding a firm grasp onto Grundula's ass. As they touched the ground, we could see they had standard stakes with them. Uh-oh.
X-GOR promptly spun over to Ender and Chica after landing, spears in hand. "SHEEP!!!!! SHEEP!!!!" he babbled and, before I could move towards him, the little blob drove his spears into their chests. Their gentle eyes grew wide, and they fell prostrate to the ground, landing face first in the dirt.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
"COOL LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!! COOL LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" X-GOR ranted, dancing around them. I tried to swoop over, but I was tackled then by Belac, fangs bared and dripping red. I irritatedly stabbed him from behind, then tried taking off again. Much to my chagrin and horror, I could not lift myself off the ground for more than a couple inches. I looked over at Red and realized the same thing was happening to him, too. The epithelial powers were fading fast. Soon, all six of us were grounded, and the two "plinky wombats" were dead.
Needless to say, this did NOT help our cause very well. Us warriors were quickly engulfed in a horrid, bloody mess. Little pRoDiGy was the first to fall, being tackled and suctioned by Neptune Salad. Grundula effortlessly drove spears into Drew and Emerald, and kicked them aside as he stole behind Wulf and drove his fangs into his jugular. Wulf howled in pain and frantically tried to claw Grundula away from behind, but it was too late, and the fiercest warrior inevitably succumbed and slumped to the ground. X-GOR attached himself parasitically to Captain Smith's leg, and bit it viciously. Captain Smith screamed in agony as he tried to kick X-GOR off, but he lost his balance and fell, X-GOR stabbing him hard in the vitals.
"SHEEP!!!! SHEEP!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!" he screeched, then stumbled over and tackled me as I speared Brahma. I was smacked down flat in the dirt on my back, and I looked over to see Redundant firm in Grundula's grasp. Red was a strong guy and pretty tall, but he was no match for the Libertarian leech. Redundant nevertheless struggled viciously as Grundula held tighter, drawing his neck within inches of his waiting mouth.
"I should have killed you when I had the chance," Grundula hissed bitterly.
"You never did," Red growled back, glaring at the monster with complete hatred.
"Well, I do now, don't I?" he exclaimed, and threw his head back, cackling with laughter. "Any last words for your girlfriend?" he sneered, turning him towards me, as X-GOR bounced up and down on my stomach. We exchanged a look--a look of defeat and sadness. His mournful eyes bored into mine, and for the second time that night I felt hot tears burn my cheeks as they spilled into the dust.
"No? Nothing at all? What a pity. So much for young love," he remarked breezily, and drew Redundant towards his fangs in the Death Grip. I tried not to watch, but I couldn't turn my head. A sob escaped me, and the tears started falling faster and clouded my vision. I heard Red scream, then--
"GRUNDULA!" a voice suddenly said. I blinked and saw Grundula had lowered Red ever so slightly, and was looking over to his left. I strained my neck to see, and there stood Richard B. Bernstein, in his house shoes and robe, his graying red hair whipping around in the bitter cold wind. He stared Grundula directly in the eye, the most frigid look I had ever seen on the Professor's face. He strolled up to him, with one arm behind him and the other scratching his beard thoughfully, and stood about five feet away from the towering bloodsucker.
"It's over, Grundula," he said simply. Grundula burst out laughing, and lowered Red to waist level, his grip still firm on him.
"Who the fuck do you think you are, Brownstain?" he sneered. "Let me just tell you right now...those little toothpicks that your little minions here have been using?...They don't work on me." He cackled maniacally, and X-GOR joined in.
"HEHEHEHE-HOHO, THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY MASTER!!!!" X-GOR hooted.
"Hmm...ya know, that *IS* a pity," Richard said, ever so slightly pacing in front of him.
"Yeah, isn't it," Grundula snickered. "It's a fucking riot. No one can touch me! The world is mine!!!!!"
"M-hmmmm...." Richard agreed, "yeh, but...um...I'll bet...you-weren't-counting-on-THIS!!!!!!!!!!"
On the "THIS!!!!!!!!!!," Richard raised up what he had been hiding behind his back--the Stake of all Stakes. Unlike the Truth-and-Logic stakes, which were only about 18 inches long, this one was about 3 feet long, nicely polished, and painted in bright red, white, and blue. It read "Facts," "Logic," "Law," and "The U.S. Constitution." As if in slow motion, I watched as Richard backed up, and drove the razor-sharp tip into Grundula's heart. Grundula looked flabbergasted as the massive stake penetrated the cardiac muscle. He and Richard were eye-to-eye as the Professor drove the spear straight through Grundula's chest and out his back. Grundula began convulsing and gurgled, vomiting an egg-yolk-like substance on Richard's pajamas. Richard suddenly looked extraordinarily pissed.
"You always knew I hated eggs, you goddammed fuckwit!!!" he shouted. Rearing up one leg, Richard kicked Grundula's chest, directly on the spike. Grundula flew directly into the pyre, and the flames immediately began to engulfe his cloaked corpse.
"MASTER!!!!! MASTER!!!!!!" X-GOR sobbed, running over to the fire and falling to his knees. I jumped up and kicked the fat fuck right in the head.
"That's for calling me a slut!!!!" I yelled. He growled at me and bit my leg. Richard tossed me a Stake, and I reached down and stabbed him between the shoulder blades. He reared back and howled in agony, and I kicked him into the fire on top of Grundula's roasting corpse. The fire hissed and gave a WHOOSH as his fat began to sizzle on the firewood--and let me tell you, the smell was a stench to behold. I groaned as the noxious fumes permeated the air around me.
I collapsed on the ground, completely exhausted. I heard Richard walk up to my side, then kneel down and put a gentle hand on my back, but I was too drained to even move.
"It's over, Vi," he said softly. "We've won." I slowly raised my head to look at him, and with some effort, sat up. I looked over at Brahma nearby, with the stake perfectly positioned at his chest. Suddenly, as we watched in wonder, the stake began to shrivel up to a mere twig and the wound around began to close. The fang marks on his neck also shrank and healed, and his color returned. He sat up, brushing the twig off his chest, and rubbed his eyes, looking around.
"Damn...they musta reaaaaaaaally put something in that beer last night," he mumbled.
I stood up and looked around the Bonfire, and the same thing was happening to everyone. Veruca Salt. Belac. Nicky. The Godmother. The Jabbers. Gump, jen, and liquid-sunshine. They all began to banter and converse amongst themselves as if they were all just waking up from a long sleep. I heard a screech as geodesy ran towards the circle in a panic, tightly pulling the robe around her and looking around for her clothes.
"I did WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!!?" she exclaimed to skilly, who was laughing her voluptuous ass off.
I chuckled briefly, then looked around frantically. Redundant.
"Redundant!!!!" I called out among the thousands of voices. I fought my way thorough the crowds, looking everywhere but not seeing him. "RED!!!!!!!!" I said, sobs beginning to wrack my body. I never saw what happened to him, and I was terrified about what might have. Then, he was there. We looked at each other for a brief second, and beamed as we fell into each other's arms, hugging and crying, not giving a damn about who was watching. We had saved Crankyland, we were alive, and it was all that mattered, as dawn broke over Crankyland University.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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