The Mask of Zorro

Bomb Rating: 

In a nutshell, here's what annoyed me about "The Mask of Zorro":

1. Anthony Hopkins is playing a guy whose name is "Don Diego de la Vega," yet has a British accent

2. Every time something significant happens in the movie that does not take place during the course of an action scene, some asshole strums a guitar

3. It's essentially a two-and-a-half-hour commercial for "gorditas"

The scene which epitomizes all these problems occurs an hour-and-a-half into the film, just after the evil Captain Love (Matt Letscher) has shown Alejandro -- alias Zorro (Antonio Banderas) -- the head of Alejandro's brother (deceased). Alejandro returns to Zorro's lair and gets all weepy-eyed in front of the old Zorro (Anthony Hopkins) and asks, "How do you control the anger?" The old Zorro whips out his black mask like Robert Bly whipping out a bongo drum and says, "With this, ol' chap." Then that asshole strums the guitar and you look at your watch and think, "Jesus Christ, I could sure go for some 'gorditas.'"

Unfortunately, nourishment will have to wait because old Zorro and young Zorro have a good hour ahead of them saving mine workers and telling Elena (Catherine Zeta-Jones) that, not only is she not Don Montero's (Stuart Wilson) daughter, but her real father, the old Zorro, thinks it would be really great for her to start playing "sheath the sword" with the young Zorro as soon as possible.

That blessing, such as it is, comes at the end of the movie when old Zorro takes the hands of young Zorro and Elena and puts them together because it's 1821 and they didn't have condoms and dental dams yet. It's a good thing I saw the movie on an empty stomach -- otherwise, I would have set the world record for projectile vomiting right then and there.

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Average: 4.5 (2 votes)

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