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The great thing about this film is it was made by a vampire so he was able to raise some of your favorite stars from the dead so they could star in this beautful macabre masterpiece. There is a breath-taking musical score here by Elliot Goldenthall.
The movie opens in SanFrancisco. River Phoenix is setting up some audio equipment saying how he "records people's lives". We see a the back of a woman as she is looking out the window at the city streets beneath them while humming "My Favorite Things". River asks her what her name is... she turns around... it's Julie Andrews. And, she says, "My name is Maxime Shrek, and I am over 500 years old. My friends call me Max." She goes on to tell her story.
It's 500 years earlier, and Max is dating Henry VIII (played by Charles Laughton). At a big celebration, Henry announces plans to wed Max! We see Max's lady in waiting Anne Boylen (Sarah Michelle Gellar) really pissed about this. A gypsy fortune teller (Anne Bancroft) warns of great tragedy awaiting Max if she follows through with the wedding. Soon, the court receives a visit from Vlad the Impailer (Bela Lugosi). Vlad takes a liking to Max, and she to him. But she is to marry Henry. Vlad offers her a way out... he can kill her and then bring her back to life secretly at night making her his bride. She jumps at this chance! So Max bites her neck and drinks her blood... she seems to be dead so there's a huge funeral where Elton John sings "Candle in the Wind".
Max is brought back from the dead and moves to Vlad's castle in the Carpathian Mountains with him where she meets the creepy maid... Mrs. Danvers (Anne B. Davis)! Mrs. Danvers keeps comparing everything Max does to Vlad's first love, Elizabeth Bathoroy. "You don't kill the servent girls and bathe in their blood the right way... she'd bite thgeir fingers off differently... you nibble too much, she'd bite off big chunks bla bla bla bla bla bla." Vlad receives a visit from Blackula (Chris Rock) who claims to have been Elizabeth's true love. The two start fighting about this maming and mutilating each other. Mrs. Danvers rushes in and breaks down confessing---that despite the fact ELizabeth was nver faithful to Vlad and doing it with half the guys in Transylvania, she really hated men. She was really in love with Mrs. Danvers!!!!!! Mrs. Danvers tries to burn down the castle but Vlad stops her... seeing the grief in his maid's eyes, he decides to bring Elizabeth back to life, and he does! She's played by Ellen DeGeneress.
Elizabeth starts correcting every mistake Max makes. "Dear, when you hit a virgin over the head with a brick, hit from the left NOT from the right!" Max wants to leave... she can take no more, and Vlad isn't very sympathetic to her plight.
She does leave. She moves to Italy where she has an affair with a lesbian artist (Ingrid Bergman). Ingrid is dying but has no interest in becoming a vampire. After several years together, Ingrid dies. Max opens up an art gallery but soon moves back to Transylvania when she gets a letter from Vlad promising things have changed.
But, it's still the same old crap. Mrs. Danvers and Elizabeth are on her back constantly, and there's no support from Vlad. Max decides she wants to walk out on him again! Then, one night, she's ready to leave with a suitcase when Vlad brings in a small child (a young Shirley Temple) sucking her blood... he tells Max to make the child a vampire or the child will die! Max does so! We now see a montage showing Vlad and Max raising Shirley... though we see scenes of Elizabeth saying, "You're feeding that kid too many sweets, Max", they seem like a very happy family.
Shirley becomes a teenager (now played by Britney Spears)... just took about sixty years or so because vampires age slower than mortals. She's a rebellious punk who stays out all night with shepherds (the Back Street Boys and the members of 'N Sync) before bringing them home and draining them of blood. She listens to horrible music... mostly bagpipe music which was very controversial at the time! She curses out her vampire parents all the time. When Vlad refuses to pay for his little girl's nose job when she turns sweet sixteen, she drives a wooden stake through his heart! Mrs. Danvers and Elizabeth blame Max for how evil the daughter's turned out so Max and daughter move out... Britney doesn't want to leave. She likes it in Transylvania.
They now live in Paris, and Max wants to start a singing career but has to get a real job first working the night shift at a small pub called Mel's Pub where she befriends a waitress named Flo (Diane Ladd). Max also gets a mortal boyfriend (played by Kris Kristofferson). Max soon gets a job at the Paris Opera House singing the part of Marguerite in "Faust"! All seems well until one day, Kris smacks Britney for having such a foul mouth. Max takes her daughter, and the two move to England where they go on a midnight tour of the Tower of London... that's where they meet the Headless Ghost of Anne Boylen. Max realizes that could have been her... so does Anne... who says, "Had you married Henry, I would never have had my head cut off! I would never have had to haunt this place like I am now!" Anne's ghost pulls out a sword and decapitates Britney saying, "There! Now, we're square!"
Max feels crushed and buries herself hoping that if she deosn't feed on blood, she'll die. No such luck. She just lays there for almost a hundred years starving. Soon, she hears something... music... it makes her want to go back walking amongst the humans. She feeds on worms and bugs regaining her strength... well, sort of. She emerges from underground to find a theatre has been built right over where she buried herself! And, what show are they doing? "Faust"! But the role that should be Max's... Marguerite... has gone to none other than Audrey Hepburn! Max kills Audrey, and she plays the part... gets critical raves... soon, she is flown to Hollywood to do a movie about... Elizabeth Bathoroy.
The crew of the movie is told Max is a method actor who will only work at night & will be in character the whole time. The movie comes out and is a huge hit! We see a montage showing Max starring in tons of Hammer films playing a vampire. So, she has become a vampire pretending to be an actress pretending to be a vampire!!!!!
The setting is once again modern-day San Francisco. Max tells River how she soon was typecast... and within a few short years, her career in movies was over. She became a has been. But, she's planning a comeback! She sings "With One Look" before revealing to River a screenplay she has written herself called "Solome", and she wants River to read it. Rather than read a bad screenplay, River whips out a wooden stake & drives it through Max's heart. Her butler bursts in... and pulls the stake out! Max threatens to kill River, and he barely escapes... but that stake took a lot out of Max... she's kinda out of it... we see some people from the nut house coming to get her. Her butler pretends they're on the set of a movie, and she says, "I am ready for my close up, Mr. Spielberg."
The end.
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