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Okay, this was Werner Herzog's 1981 prequel to his 1978 remake of the German classic "Nosferatu". The movie told the story of young Count Orlock when he was just a typical school kid... who liked to drink blood. The movie was poorly received when it first came out but has gone on to become a cult classic of sorts largely due to special midnight shwoings across the country with audience participation. So, now, without any further ado, I present you with "MAX SCHRECK'S BIG MOVE".
The movie opens with Mary Poppins (played by Pia Zadora) atop a mountain singing "The hills are alive with the sound of music..." as the title credits pop up on screen. We now see the mountain she's on overlooks a small town by the name of Mockingbird Heights... and, we see an old gothic castle where the Schreck family lives.
The head of the family is Hemroid, a guy who looks like the Frankenstein Monster (played by Ted Cassidy---TV's Lurch). By this point in his career, Cassidy was fed up with being typecast and hoped this film would make people see he could do other things! Young Max Schreck (Gary Coleman) is one of many siblings (ALL the Jacksons... that's right, all 500 of them). Their mother has just passed away, and Max is jealous of all the attention his older sister (a young Janet Jackson) gets from dear old dad... "It's always Janet, Janet, Janet! Dammit Janet!"
At school, Max is the class geek... especially with his rat-like fangs, pointy elf ears, and long talon-like fingernails that would make Barbra Streisand blush. Max is locked in his locker for a couple of weeks... til his family finally notices that he's missing. When they get home, he cries his eyes out... blood tears, of course... because nobody noticed he was gone. Janet leaves the room for five minutes. Hemroid starts freaking out wondering where his "baby girl" is. Max says, "I vanish for two weeks, and you don't care. But, she's gone five minutes, and you're world is shattered?" Janet re-enters the room. Max takes an ax and cuts off her head. Hemroid is furious... Max is grounded. No Teletubbies for a month... Teletubbies are Max's favorite snack... he loves eating them alive listening to their screams of pain and agony. Don't we all?
Max refuses to sacrifice a goat to the Devil on Xmas so he's made to sit in the corner of the room and stare at the wall while the rest of the family laughs and trims the tree... with body parts of many of the townsfolk they have killed over the past year. Hemroid worries that Max is such a problem kid because he's lonely and needs a mother figure. He hires Mary Poppins as a governess. Soon, she and Max are flying throughout the village throwing up on all the peasents below... throwing up cherry pits... this was the inspiration for a couple of scenes in "Witches of Eastwick" just a few years later.
Max brings Mary Poppins to school for show and tell one day. She performs a nice lap dance for all the students. Soon, Max is the most popular kid at school! He resumes is practices of blood drinking, making straight F's on his report card, performing animal sacrifices on all the major holidays, not helping old ladies cross the street, playing with his food, etc. His father is trilled. Hemroid asks Mary if she'll marry him. She says yes.
But, Hemroid's company transfers him to Saint Louis. Mary Poppins refuses to go to Saint Louis. So, she and Hemroid call off their engagement.
The day of the big move comes. Max cries fearing he'll never see Mary Poppins ever again. She assures him he will and that he'll make new (even better) friends in Saint Louis.
The Schreck family goes to the World's Fair in Saint Louis and realize how lucky they are to now be living there. We see Hemroid's now got a new wife who looks like Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz"... the wife is played here by Liza Minelli herself. The whole family sings "Meet Me in Saint Louis".
THE END
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