McHale's Navy

Bomb Rating: 

McHale's Navy clocks in at an obscenely long 109 minutes.

Let's be realistic here. Is there anybody out there who expected this film to be anything other than a dreadful piece of trash? It truly boggles the mind that a thinking human being actually invested money in a movie based on a bad television show and starring Tom Arnold. Then again, these are the same Mensans who consider Tom Arnold to be -- and I quote -- "one of the most engaging and entertaining performers of his generation."

Since I can do no public service by discussing this film, I'd like to offer some guidelines for filmmakers who consider endeavors of this nature in the future.

1. No more film adaptations of bad American sitcoms.
2. Should, by some oversight, such a film adaptation be made, original cast members may not appear in them -- not even in a pathetic "hey look, that guy is still alive" cameo.
3. If such a film lasts longer than 85 minutes, the filmmakers shall be considered to be in violation of the audience's basic human rights. (McHale's Navy clocks in at an obscenely long 109 minutes).
4. Producers are prohibited from casting any of the following people in a speaking role: Tom Arnold, Jim Varney, Ed Begley, Jr., any current or former cast member from Saturday Night Live, any person who was part of the '80s Brat Pack, any member of the Sheen or Baldwin families, Fran Drescher, Florence Henderson and Shelly Long. Especially Shelly Long.
5. Any violation of above rules will result in the filmmaker's compulsory attendance at next year's Academy Awards ceremony, where he will have his head chopped off onstage in a gala musical tribute to mediocrity.

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