Men in Black 2
Ever since "Men in Black" came out, I've been waiting for the sequel with a level of anticipation usually reserved only for Carrot Top's next big picture. The feeling is easy to distinguish, marked by a gentle tingling in the nipples normally associated with touching a live wire.
Whenever Hollywood makes a no-effort sequel that I, like much of America, am all but forced to watch, a feeling comes over me in the theater akin to having forgotten to clean my rear end after several sticky and difficult poos. I feel unclean. I can't walk quite right because my ass cheeks are sticking together. I feel as though I want to bend over in a car wash and let the machine pump pressurized water up my rear until the inside of my colon looks like Martha Stewart's living room.
Inspiring much of this sensation is the acting talent of Will Smith, who has apparently mastered the "partial dialogue, perplexed double-look." This is Will's very own special technique where an actor almost says a line, but doesn't finish, and then appears discombobulated by glancing this way and that. You can't miss it in "MIB2," as Will uses this new move about a dozen times. For his part, Tommy Lee Jones appears to be waiting for the Botox injections to wear off. Lara Flynn Boyle, who plays alien villain Serleena, bravely shows us that even painfully obvious anorexia need not be a barrier to aspirations of taking over the planet.
The story of "MIB2" isn't that much different than the original, except Agent J (Smith) and Agent K (Jones) have switched places. Agent J must find Agent K and deneuralize him so they can recover an artifact before Serleena. During the course of this hunt, they run into Jeebs (Tony Shalhoub) and the two-headed Johnny Knoxville, who reminds us all that covering oneself in human feces for the amusement of others can indeed result in fame and fortune. For this reason, Knoxville apparently found "Men in Black 2" to be the perfect next place to smear his talents in this, the next-to-last stop of his short-lived movie career.
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