Merry F%@#%@# Christmas

I don't celebrate Christmas. I don't celebrate any holidays in December. None. Zero. Zip. As far as I'm concerned, Christmas is like a cancer. I'm not religious and I don't participate. I don't buy presents for anyone and don't get any and I like it that way. I used to celebrate Christmas in a kind of loose way, by seeing a movie and eating Chinese food with my family, but then somehow all you normal Christmas-celebrating fuckers figured that one out and clogged all the theaters and restaurants Christmas Eve.

I once worked at a retail store where Christmas decorations went up around the first of October. I'm totally fucking serious - the first of fucking October. Not long after that, they started piping Christmas music over the store speaker system and we were treated to every rendition of "Come All Ye Faithful" that had ever been written in the history of mankind, all five of them, over and over again, for three months. By the time December 25th rolled around, I was ready to tear the soul right out of any present-happy child that came within eyesight.

Even though I don't celebrate Christmas and no semi-smart person who knows me should ever think to wish me a "Merry Christmas," I still get more "Merry Christmas" wishes, "Merry Christmas" cards, and "Merry Christmas" phone calls than I should reasonably tolerate. Usually, I just smile like I'm trying to cover up an ulcer and say "thanks" in a way that implies I might kill that person if they don't get out of my office right away. I'm invited to the Christmas party and to participate in the Secret Santa and somehow my name is always drawn for a free gift. I don't know if there's any nice way to say "I don't want a free fucking gift," but I haven't found it. After all, I have to work with these people. I either give the gift to someone else or it ends up in the trash. Look, I know somebody probably spent hours carving the snowman out of Styrofoam, but just what the fuck am I supposed to do with it?

I hate everything about Christmas, everything having anything to do with it, and all the trouble that comes along with it. I guess the holiday used to be religious in some way, but now it's just an excuse for people to buy stuff and clog up the parking lots in December at any store where I might happen to really need something at the spur-of-the-moment. It's gotten so bad that I've started to build a bomb shelter where I can store food and other necessities so that I can just avoid shopping in either November or December because I just end up waiting everywhere five times as long as I should.

People like to claim that it's a day to celebrate love and giving but that's become the biggest bullshit claim of all time. Christmas is about consuming and nothing more. Kids aren't taught about love and giving. They're taught about a big, fat, overweight lard-ass whose sole purpose in life is to give them crap they don't need. They flock to the malls and sit on this guy's lap and ask him for stuff. Most of the time, Santa is really some unemployed alcoholic who otherwise spends his time barfing in the park or trying to touch women he doesn't know. The most uttered phrase by kids during Christmas next to "I want´┐Ż" is "Something in Santa's lap poked me."

When I wake up on Christmas morning, I no longer even think of it as a different day, other than the fact I don't have to work. I just consider it a day off. But then I turn on the television and I get treated to the worst programming America has ever seen all year. There's one parade after another and "It's a Wonderful Life" is playing on every two-bit cable channel - and not just one time, but over and over again all day. So then I go out and drive around hoping to find something to do. You know, maybe I might need a gallon of milk or something that day or some gauze to stop the razor cuts across my wrists from bleeding. Naturally, nothing is open and I'm screwed. If I want some solace, I have a couple of choices: go to a park or go join the huge group of Christmas sheep that have gathered around the city and county building to ogle at the "holiday" lights and the manger scene.

How completely fucking ignorant does somebody have to be to realize that lights and a manger scene on city property is a direct violation of the separation of church and state? In a city near me, the mayor suggested that they remove a "Merry Christmas" sign from a city building and replace it with a "Happy Holidays" sign and his office nearly burned down from the short in the phone lines after he got 10,000 calls in about five minutes talking about how his children would be skinned alive if he didn't immediately change his mind. What is it about this simple separation that people don't get? It amazes me that these people haven't stopped to consider for one second that not everyone on the face of the earth celebrates their stupid holiday. If you want your fucking manger and your fucking Christmas light, put them in front of your fucking church where they fucking belong.

Merry fucking Christmas.


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BUllshit christmas

Anonymous's picture

I so happy Im alone again this Christmas. I will sleep right through it again. I'm not spending my hard earned money on any-fucking-body!
I would rather shit in my pants and let it dry than celebrate Christmas.

Get rid of the Pagan aspects and Christmas would be just fine

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

The mangers on city property don't make me mad.  I just wish the people in charge could get a clue.

Loved the rant Mr. C!  This is now my favorite from you.

{;-) Dan in Miami

Merry Christmas to all,

RidingFool's picture

and to all a good night!

Are we picking and choosing again?

gamerarocks's picture

Which pagan aspects?

The tree?


December 25th?

The lights?

Holly and wreaths?

The presents?

(probably missed a few)

Just asking  :P

Pagan Christmas rituals the short answer:

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

Here is the short answer for you.  Just ask yourself if a particular aspect of the observance of Christmas has anything to do with Jewish religious practices from 2000 years ago.  If not, then it is pagan.

Remember that the early followers of Jesus (up until about 80 AD) were Jews.

{;-) Dan in Miami


gamerarocks's picture

I don't think you'd find the level of religious 'interest' if you had only those elements.

Working retail is one thing

gamerarocks's picture

Working as the manager of a retail record store the year the very first Mannheim Steamroller christmas album came out on CD and having the owner insist on its continual play from opening to closing for a month and a half, for consecutive years.  Seriously, I still reflexively cringe when I hear anything off that album.  But this rant is still one of Mr. C's best.

A Good Rant, Yes. Perhaps...

Coaster's picture

gamerarocks wrote:

But this rant is still one of Mr. C's best.

I'll agree but he does sound genuinely p.o.'d.  

Perhaps it would cheer him up a bit if he went down to Starbucks for a nice cup of coffee?

Why on earth would he want to ruin a perfectly good

gamerarocks's picture

pissed off attitude by dealing with the herd of imbicles there?

I like getting free stuff

Wulfgar's picture

I like getting free stuff and meals that I don't have to cook. Hate the general phoniness, though.

~I'm going to Hell and I just don't care.~


What I say when this atheist gets wished a Merry Christmas

Coaster's picture

"Thanks, and same to ya."

In the past I'd be tempted to say "Sorry, I'm far too old for fairy tales", but it seems I've mellowed in my old age. 

This Christmas rant does not show up on the home page

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

You would think it would since this is the day before Christmas.

{;-) Dan in Miami


Never heard so much humbuggery!

Rajah's picture

Prepare to be visited by three spirits tonight or shown by a gay angel what the world would be like if you had never been born.

The pagan aspects don't really stop me fom believing...

TMundo's picture

...not to turn this into a religious discussion, but I always hear a lot about how Christmas was worked in around the pagan holiday that was there before it, and that nobody really knows exactly what day Jesus was born on.  But that doesn't mean he wasn't born, and it doesn't mean you have to discount what he said.

Jesus was talking about how to live daily life, everyday, not once a year, and the things he said plus a rather large sacifice add up to a whole lot more than meaningless pagan traditions that most people don't even know existed anyway.

As far as celebrating a pretty big birthday that almost the entire world celebrates whether they believe or not, I don't see it as that bad a thing.  Marketing aside of course.

Although the overall point of Jesus overshadows the celebation of Christmas itself, it does get the info out there.  Christmas, what's that all about?  And so you have to give the answer of how it all started.  See? Now somebody else knows.

One of my favorite Xmas songs

FearlessFreep's picture

Is that cop at the beginning Matt Dillon?


The artist formerly known as Zorro.

Well, no wonder you're bitter.

Mal_Content's picture

You've worked in retail.

I may be an atheist, but I love buying cool stuff for people, so Christmas is my favourite time of year.  Well, it usually is, but I'm going to be all alone for the first time, ever.  Not liking that much...

Mal, being alone at Christmas

RidingFool's picture

isn't all bad. It will allow you much more time to shovel that snow you've tried so hard to avoid since leaving you-know-where.

Plus, we're all anxiously awaiting the arrival of the postman to see what you've sent us.

An alternative view of a Christmas classic

FearlessFreep's picture

So who's going to hit the post Christmas sales?

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

I need a lot of stuff and the sales this time of year are some of the best. 

One thing I would recommend buying if you have a sore back is the Homedics Shiatsu massage seat cushion with heat.  Walgreens Drug Store has it for $100 and I love mine.  You just put it in your favorite high backed chair, plug it in and enjoy the soothing massage action of two rotating balls.

Not as good as a sex chair, but still.

{;-) Dan in Miami

I'll bet you can get some good pants cheap

FearlessFreep's picture

Riding Fool, take note!


The artist formerly known as Zorro.

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