Merry F%@#%@# Christmas
I don't celebrate Christmas. I don't celebrate any holidays in December. None. Zero. Zip. As far as I'm concerned, Christmas is like a cancer. I'm not religious and I don't participate. I don't buy presents for anyone and don't get any and I like it that way. I used to celebrate Christmas in a kind of loose way, by seeing a movie and eating Chinese food with my family, but then somehow all you normal Christmas-celebrating fuckers figured that one out and clogged all the theaters and restaurants Christmas Eve.
I once worked at a retail store where Christmas decorations went up around the first of October. I'm totally fucking serious - the first of fucking October. Not long after that, they started piping Christmas music over the store speaker system and we were treated to every rendition of "Come All Ye Faithful" that had ever been written in the history of mankind, all five of them, over and over again, for three months. By the time December 25th rolled around, I was ready to tear the soul right out of any present-happy child that came within eyesight.
Even though I don't celebrate Christmas and no semi-smart person who knows me should ever think to wish me a "Merry Christmas," I still get more "Merry Christmas" wishes, "Merry Christmas" cards, and "Merry Christmas" phone calls than I should reasonably tolerate. Usually, I just smile like I'm trying to cover up an ulcer and say "thanks" in a way that implies I might kill that person if they don't get out of my office right away. I'm invited to the Christmas party and to participate in the Secret Santa and somehow my name is always drawn for a free gift. I don't know if there's any nice way to say "I don't want a free fucking gift," but I haven't found it. After all, I have to work with these people. I either give the gift to someone else or it ends up in the trash. Look, I know somebody probably spent hours carving the snowman out of Styrofoam, but just what the fuck am I supposed to do with it?
I hate everything about Christmas, everything having anything to do with it, and all the trouble that comes along with it. I guess the holiday used to be religious in some way, but now it's just an excuse for people to buy stuff and clog up the parking lots in December at any store where I might happen to really need something at the spur-of-the-moment. It's gotten so bad that I've started to build a bomb shelter where I can store food and other necessities so that I can just avoid shopping in either November or December because I just end up waiting everywhere five times as long as I should.
People like to claim that it's a day to celebrate love and giving but that's become the biggest bullshit claim of all time. Christmas is about consuming and nothing more. Kids aren't taught about love and giving. They're taught about a big, fat, overweight lard-ass whose sole purpose in life is to give them crap they don't need. They flock to the malls and sit on this guy's lap and ask him for stuff. Most of the time, Santa is really some unemployed alcoholic who otherwise spends his time barfing in the park or trying to touch women he doesn't know. The most uttered phrase by kids during Christmas next to "I want�" is "Something in Santa's lap poked me."
When I wake up on Christmas morning, I no longer even think of it as a different day, other than the fact I don't have to work. I just consider it a day off. But then I turn on the television and I get treated to the worst programming America has ever seen all year. There's one parade after another and "It's a Wonderful Life" is playing on every two-bit cable channel - and not just one time, but over and over again all day. So then I go out and drive around hoping to find something to do. You know, maybe I might need a gallon of milk or something that day or some gauze to stop the razor cuts across my wrists from bleeding. Naturally, nothing is open and I'm screwed. If I want some solace, I have a couple of choices: go to a park or go join the huge group of Christmas sheep that have gathered around the city and county building to ogle at the "holiday" lights and the manger scene.
How completely fucking ignorant does somebody have to be to realize that lights and a manger scene on city property is a direct violation of the separation of church and state? In a city near me, the mayor suggested that they remove a "Merry Christmas" sign from a city building and replace it with a "Happy Holidays" sign and his office nearly burned down from the short in the phone lines after he got 10,000 calls in about five minutes talking about how his children would be skinned alive if he didn't immediately change his mind. What is it about this simple separation that people don't get? It amazes me that these people haven't stopped to consider for one second that not everyone on the face of the earth celebrates their stupid holiday. If you want your fucking manger and your fucking Christmas light, put them in front of your fucking church where they fucking belong.
Merry fucking Christmas.