The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc
If your religious convictions weren't already messed up, the weekend of November 12, 1999, certainly didn't help. Pondering the nature of God, were you? Well, if you saw "Dogma," you discovered that God was Alanis Morissette, and she liked to smell flowers. If you saw "The Messenger," God is a mean-looking little boy who inspired a 15th-century girl to grab a sword and lead Frenchmen to hack up Englishmen. No wonder guys in institutions across the country are throwing their feces against the walls, claiming to be agents of God. Identifying him is a confusing business.
Eventually, Joan of Arc's (Milla Jovovich) conscience (Dustin Hoffman) suggests to her that her visions may all be a mistake. Is this God's fault? Does God accidentally project himself into the back ends of pick-up trucks which confused dogs then chase? Are brief images of the Virgin Mary something akin to God farts? This is cause for concern: A lot of people could be finding something better to do with their Sundays.
Nevertheless, Joan follows her vision and leads the French against the English, defeating them, which gets Charles VII (John Malkovich) crowned King of Frogs. For all the energy Malkovich puts into Charles, director Luc Besson might as well have cast Jonathan Taylor Thomas in the role. Then there's Faye Dunaway's get-up, which makes her look like one of the Coneheads. If the French actually wore that goofy crap, they deserved to be occupied and tortured by the British.
And I know I'm incredibly perceptive, but did anyone else notice that Malkovich, Dunaway, and Hoffman aren't French? They don't even bother sporting French accents, and it isn't until one of them practically stands up and screams, "Yo, we're the French!" that you realize what side they're on.
To spread the word about this The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc review on Twitter.To get instant updates of Mr. Cranky reviews, subscribe to our RSS feed.