If there’s anything that the Internet proves beyond a shadow of a doubt it’s that any moron can write a movie review. There are tons of movie review sites with tons of morons all under the mistaken impression that their opinion is worth a spits more than some other moron’s opinion. Well, given that we’re now accepting user reviews here at Mr. Cranky, it’s time for this moron to provide the “Mr. Cranky Writing Guide to Film Reviews” so that I’m not spending my days in semi-retirement editing the never-ending stream of crap that comes my way as a result of opening up the site to semi-illiterate ‘tards.

While your opinion may not be worth more than some other writer’s opinion, there is a difference between an entertaining movie review and a piece-of-crap movie review. Piece-of-crap movie reviews tend to rehash plot details. The writers of piece-of-crap movie reviews also tend to convey vanilla opinions and basically fall into line with the rest of the world. Oh, Jennifer Aniston is so beautiful. Oh, George Clooney is so talented. Oh, shut the fuck up. This, in and of itself, provides an excellent idea for writing entertaining movie reviews: try to have a strong opinion and not write what everyone else is writing.

As far as Mr. Cranky is concerned, the movie reviewer should ask “what’s wrong with this movie” not “what’s right about this movie”. The answer to the question “What’s right about this movie?” is the question every other movie reviewer is asking, so why ask that same question? It’s boring. It’s common. It’s a waste of time. Being a movie review site like every other movie review site is pointless. Being a critic means criticizing, not licking the ass of some ad executive because you’re so thankful they’ve invited you to a free screening and given you a hat.

Most film reviewers write boring reviews because they get caught up in the process of writing the review. Don’t worry about the process. Write! Your movie review will be immeasurably better if you write in thought bursts as opposed to trying to form the review as you go so that you have an introductory paragraph, plot summary, closing paragraph, and so on. Writing movie reviews is not brain surgery and frankly, it doesn’t require much talent. If something in a movie strikes you as wrong or funny or stupid, write it down and riff on it. Didn’t think the last Angelina Jolie movie worked because she looks like Skeletor? Write that down. If you keep thinking that Daniel Pearl’s wife looks like Skeletor, that’s a legitimate complaint. In fact, if any celebrity’s celebrity status makes it impossible for the viewer to believe their performance, that’s good fodder for part of a critique. Basically, if you simply list your five main problems with a movie then riff for a paragraph on each, you’ll be able to rearrange those riffs into a workable movie review with minimal editing required. The best thing you can do is be specific.

Somewhere in the movie review you should be telling the reader what the movie is about. Some plot summary is required, but it should be kept short and it’s best to provide the plot in the context of a critique of some sort rather than simply listing plot points. When referencing directors and actors, it’s always good for Mr. Cranky if you insert one of their lame movies in the middle of their name, like Melanie (“Milk Money”) Griffith. It shows that you don’t have the reverence for the actor that all those other lame critics have. Sometimes it’s necessary to put in an actor’s most well-known credit if you think most people don’t know who you’re talking about, but with the big name actors, it’s better to make fun of them. After all, they’re rich, famous, and having sex with beautiful people. Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.

If you’re up to it, clever movie references are always a good idea. In Mr. Cranky’s experience writing for mainstream publications, editors will almost always cut out clever movie references using the excuse: “I don’t think most people will get it.” Fuck most people. That’s why most mainstream movie reviews are so lame – they’ve been dulled down so that everyone gets them. If it’s relevant, feel free to talk about other shitty movies that make the experience of the current shitty movie more relevant. This leads to a more general point: if you can’t write funny, write smart. When discussing an actor’s performance, feel free to string together a series of their performances to illustrate a point. Adam Sandler is pretty much the same in every movie he’s in. Point it out. Again, be specific.

Finally, here are a few things Mr. Cranky does on a regular basis that you can incorporate into your own movie reviews: observe people in the audience and comment on what they do during the movie, especially if you’re bored. Write down the ideas that go through your head as certain things happen on screen. For instance, you’ll notice that I’ve written about the weird shape of Kate Winslet’s areolas. Breasts on screen are good, but when the areola looks like a map of Venezuela, that’s distracting. If the movie is especially bad, you may think about hurting yourself or other activities that you would prefer doing instead of watching the movie. It’s okay to mention any of those activities. Genital mutilation is okay occasionally.

The best thing you can do for your movie review is to rewrite it. Try getting a first draft done in one sitting, but then leave the review for at least 24 hours so you can approach it again with fresh eyes. It also doesn’t hurt to have somebody read your review and give you some feedback. You should encourage brutal honesty and you might as well since odds are good there will be plenty of readers on Mr. Cranky who are going to tell you how much you suck. Get used to it. You are not your writing anyway, so who the hell cares.

Start watching movies, taking notes, writing, and have fun. I’ll expand and update this article as stuff comes up, so check back for more tips.

NOTES:

1. Reviews should be approximately 400 to 500 words long. Sure, you can go off and write 200 words if you want or 1500 words if you want, but people don't like opening their Big Gulp cup and finding two sips worth of soda. Conversely, nobody likes having a firehose connected to the Coke tap and shoved down their throat after consuming 128 ounces of pop either.

2. Movie titles should be in quotes. Like "Good Luck Chuck". I always thought this meant the printer then put those words in italics, but that never happened at the newspapers where I worked. Now, I just assume it denotes a title. It's just what you do.