The Mummy Returns

Bomb Rating: 

I'm perfectly aware that The Rock is super-popular with all those underdeveloped morons who like professional wrestling, but that's no reason to put him in a movie.

I'm perfectly aware that The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) is super-popular with all those underdeveloped morons who like professional wrestling, but that's no reason to put him in a movie. He's so utterly bereft of acting ability that the only lines director Stephen Sommers dares give him are in some made-up language.

The Rock plays the Scorpion King who, in ancient times, sells his soul to Anubis so his army can win the day. His soul gets locked up and then a couple thousand years later another ancient figure, Im-Ho-Tep (Arnold Vosloo) is dug up and reawakened. Im-Ho-Tep decides that he'd like to start the day by seeking out and defeating the Scorpion King, thus claiming the Scorpion King's armies so that he can rule the world -- or some stupid convoluted crap like that. I thought Im-Ho-Tep's soul was in hell -- did he use his get out of hell free card or something?

You know, I'm sure they're working real hard there at Industrial Light and Magic, and I'm sure that putting the Rock's face on a giant scorpion and then having it interact with Brendan Fraser and Im-Ho-Tep is super-tough and merits some sort of technical achievement award. Unfortunately, the computer-generated face looks dumber than George W. Bush at a MENSA meeting. Seriously, why'd they even bother to try it if they couldn't make the thing look even moderately realistic? He appears on screen and you just start to laugh -- The Rock's face on a giant computer scorpion! What's next -- Stone Cold Steve Austin's head on the body of a skunk?

This film's story takes place eight years after the first one. Now, Rick (Brendan Fraser) and Evie (Rachel Weisz) are married and have a precocious eight-year-old son, Alex (Freddie Boath), who they put in harm's way every chance they get so that they can needlessly worry about his possible demise. Rest assured, though, that while poor Alex sits in the hands of the baddies, he has the kind of fun with them that only a small child could. Really, you wish Im-Ho-Tep would just bite the kid's head off and act like a real mummy instead of some sort of wussy mummy's boy.

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