My Boss's Daughter

Bomb Rating: 

This is unquestionably one of the worst films ever made. There was a point during the movie where my body had crumpled into the seat in something approaching the "slouch of the dead." I tried to pull myself up and as I reached for the seat in front of me, the synapses in my brain started firing randomly. For a moment, I thought I had actually gone blind. Then, I looked at my watch. A mere 30 minutes had passed. At that point, my face pretty much resembled Janet Leigh's when the shower curtain opens in "Psycho."

This film has the appearance of a 22-minute sitcom that failed to get picked up, so the producers turned it into an 80-minute movie. Ashton Kutcher plays Tom Stansfield, a wussy-boy who unwittingly agrees to house-sit for his boss's daughter, Lisa (Tara Reid) because he wants to get in her pants. Naturally, the boss, Jack Taylor (Terence Stamp), is an anal-retentive beast and anything bad that happens to the house will reflect poorly on Tom. Naturally, the second Jack leaves, all sorts of bad things happen to the house. To start things off, Jack's pet owl escapes.

Here are just a few of the things this film features: Michael Madsen gleefully urinating all over a living room, a woman with an oozing head wound, jokes about rape, and Carmen Electra with actual lines of dialogue. Admittedly, there seems to be a conscious attempt on the part of the director to cut away quickly from Carmen before the impression is made that she should say anything. Then, later in the film, the director has evidently become self-conscious about the fact that Carmen hasn't said anything, so he gives her a word here and there. This, of course, is after she's been featured in a wet T-shirt. Kenan Thompson (of "Kenan and Kell") appears as Tara Reid's boyfriend. There's a joke made about his unlikely status as her beau but, of course, it's not that he's black, it's that he's fat. This might have been remotely funny had it not been the third or fourth time the film tried to pull off similar jokes about black people.

In the so-called climax, Tom picks Jack up from the airport. As they're driving, a mouse appears on Tom's shoulder (the mice were food for the owl and they got loose). From out of nowhere, the owl swoops down from the sky to try and get the mouse. Where the owl comes from exactly, we have no clue. The mouse then appears on Jack's shoulder (he doesn't notice it), so the owl then appears on the other side of the car. Now, keep in mind that the car is moving, yet the owl just hovers there outside Jack's window (and Jack doesn't notice). Since Tom doesn't want Jack to know that the owl is loose, he pulls one of those "look over there" gags and Jack, in fact, never notices the owl. How exactly the owl hovers there (um, guy with owl on a stick?) I don't know, but the filmmakers apparently think it's funny. The next thing that happens is that the owl comes in through the other side of the car and Jack and Tom drive through the wall of Jack's house.

Speaking of stupid, has anyone else noticed that Tara Reid is so artificially tan that she looks like one of the Oompah-Loompahs from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." Her eyes appear so freakishly bright because of her unnatural skin tone that even when I close my eyes now, I can see the spots burned into my retinas. Another small note: The director of this movie is David Zucker, the guy who made "Airplane." It's hard to imagine what this guy has done to himself in the last couple of decades to become so unfunny, but my guess is that it probably involved Christian Science and LSD.

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