National Security

Bomb Rating: 

Eric Roberts plays Nash, the bad guy, in this film about two security guards named Earl (Martin Lawrence) and Hank (Steve Zahn) who get caught up in a police corruption scandal. It looks like Eric went to the tanning salon one day and accidentally got locked in a booth for several years. Then a plastic surgeon grafted the skin of a yak all over his face. This just freaked me out and made the whole experience of watching this film something just mildly more tolerable than having my scrotum pierced with a set of Ginsu steak knives.

Amazingly, Roberts is hardly in the film. However, one suspects he was cast because his level of coherence makes Martin Lawrence seem like a Rhodes scholar, which is amazing because Lawrence is less coherent than Farah Fawcett after a roofies cocktail.

Hank actually starts off as a cop but loses his job and is thrown in jail after he's caught on tape arresting Earl in what looks like a savage beating but is actually Hank waving his baton around trying to scare off a bee. When confronted with the opportunity to reveal the truth, Earl chooses to send Hank away to prison for six months. When Hank gets out, the only job he can get is as a security job and the two find themselves searching for the same thieves. In a shocking plot twist right off the front pages of "The Weekly World News," they learn to love and respect each other.

I was especially bowled over by the ending, which might as well have been set in some magical fairy tale world. Everything needed for the scene just pops out of nowhere. They're chasing these crooks in the middle of the city and suddenly they're out by the beach. Why? Because they need a cliff where somebody can fall off. Then, from out of nowhere, there's a crane, so Hank can hop in and knock Eric Roberts off the cliff and save Earl. If he had knocked director Dennis Dugan off the cliff instead and saved America from this cinematic daisy-cutter, he'd have been declared a national hero, because "National Security" is treasonously bad.

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