Never Die Alone

Bomb Rating: 

Of various forms of torture that I would like to avoid, following David Arquette anywhere ranks right up there.

This film might appeal to people who sit on street corners waiting for squirrels to get run over by cars. It's just a litany of nastiness and ugliness that will probably be received warmly by ex-cons, wife-beaters and corporate executives.

Undoubtedly, many people remember the scene from "Pulp Fiction" where Uma Thurman's character snorts heroin thinking that it's cocaine, forcing John Travolta to drive her to Eric Stoltz's house for the needle to the heart. In this film, snorting heroin instead of coke is one of its big jokes. It's King David's (DMX) way of getting back at ex-girlfriends and generally making women do what he wants. When David gets really annoyed, he replaces the heroin with battery acid. It's really a laugh-a-minute.

David narrates this story from the grave, so at least the film has a happy ending. His story is intertwined with the story of Michael (Michael Ealy), who's largely responsible for David's death, and Paul (David Arquette), to whom David leaves his car and some tapes that detail his despicable exploits.

We flash back to the episodes of his life, which are stunningly dull. Mostly, it's a lot of watching the tattoo on DMX's back shift around as he has sex with various women. Perhaps the most insidious thing is that DMX narrates the whole thing, trying to provide some kind of retarded moral guidance or lack of moral guidance or whatever. I can't recall a single interesting thing he said the entire time.

Of various forms of torture that I would like to avoid, following David Arquette anywhere ranks right up there. The guy appears to have two distinct acting styles: hyperactive chimp and sedated chimp. Here, he's the sedated chimp, a writer creating a story from King David's tapes. He seems to have no clue that he's the only one who thinks they're interesting.

To spread the word about this Never Die Alone review on Twitter.

To get instant updates of Mr. Cranky reviews, subscribe to our RSS feed.
0 Comments

Like This Never Die Alone Review? Vote it Up.

0

Rate This Movie:

Other Cranky Content You Might Enjoy

  • David Lewis' (Peter Gallagher) problem is this: His wife, Gillian(Michelle Pfeiffer) died a few years ago in a boating accident and now David makes a habit of walking on the beach and talking to her.

  • Four words: hot naked lesbian sex.

  • Combine "Honeymoon in Vegas" and "Reservoir Dogs" and you get this film, which is the umpteenth movie to churn out an identical mix of violence and music and expect every idiot with a gun fetish to go