The New Guy

Bomb Rating: 

The Eliza Dushkus of the world simply do not sleep with the DJ Qualls of the world during high school. Oh, sure, maybe they'll be willing 15 years down the road, after their car stereo-salesman husbands have left them with four kids and boobs like gym socks full of tapioca, but not during high school.

Let me just clear something up for all you geeks who will see this film and think, "Golly, if only I changed schools and changed my attitude I could be popular and sleep with Eliza Dushku!" You might as well feed your penis into a wood chipper right now, because it will prove a less painful means of emasculation than reality.

Cashing in by convincing those waaay down on the social food chain that they can move up with a little behavior modification is one of those popular myths that leads to that kid nobody ever noticed before jumping out of a third story school window. The Eliza Dushkus of the world simply do not sleep with the DJ Qualls of the world during high school. Oh, sure, maybe they'll be willing 15 years down the road, after their car stereo-salesman husbands have left them with four kids and boobs like gym socks full of tapioca, but not during high school.

Nevertheless, the picked-on and tortured Dizzy Harrison (Qualls) changes high schools and discovers that with a little coaching from local inmate Luther (Eddie Griffin), he's able to become the badass at his new high school. Naturally, the main threat to this new image is that the jocks from his old school will show up with videotape and expose him for the geek he really is.

Naturally, along the way, we learn that it's not right to throw midgets in trash cans or to ignore the friends you made in elementary school, even if they've turned into complete losers. For me, there was this kid named Hank, who was a loser in elementary school and I was his friend because I was big and kept him from getting his ass kicked all the time. I'm sick of movies like this blaming me for not making Hank my friend for life. Hank gained a reputation in college for following girls around with his hands in his pockets and the few unfortunate women who actually entered his dorm room reported that the space between his bed and the floor was filled with wadded-up tissues. I'm not exactly clear what I'm supposed to do for this guy anymore. Screw Hank and screw this movie. I'm free and it feels good! I have friends now who can manage to get their wadded up tissues into a trash can.

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