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Part 2
(The setting is Crankyland Central. Most of the Crankylanders have gathered there, discussing the events of last night. Molly is resting her head on Bulworth’s shoulder)
Beast: So...they’re dead?
sOc: Yeah, according to what I heard. Siren was choked, Movieboy was beaten, and JYD and Wargy were stabbed through the chest.
Molly: Jesus.
Sailor Uranus: So what’s going to happen?
Bulworth: Is the Crankster himself going to get involved?
Speaker (undoing straight jacket): Is Cranky gonna call in the cops?
sOc: Hey! I dunno what’s gonna happen! I just know what did!
Darksider: Yeah sOc? And how do you know what happened?
sOc: It’s called a newspaper.
Darksider: Oh, I don’t know, sOc. My newspaper didn’t mention any details like you have.
(Darksider stands up and lunges at sOc. Bulworth restrains him.)
Bulworth: Calm down, man! This is no time to make accusations! We need to sit down and decide what to do.
Lionel: I’ll tell you what we gotta do! We gotta attack! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Sailor Uranus: Calm down, Lionel! (feeds Lionel a pill) Good boy...good boy...
Ivan: Well, will it cut back on our vodka delivery?
(everyone rolls their eyes)
Beast: Honestly, though, now that Darksider mentions it, who do you guys think is the killer?
Molly: I assumed it was just some passing troll.
Beast: I hope so...but why those four people if it was just a passing troll? Why not...er...
Darksider: You?
Beast: Or...whoever. What would a troll gain from their deaths?
Sailor Uranus: What would anyone gain from their deaths?
Darksider: Well, you for one will have eliminated two of the top candidates for Crankyland Goddess.
Sailor Uranus: What...I...They...Uh....I’m not the murderer.
Darksider: Maybe not. But agree, you do have motive.
Sailor Uranus: Of course...but so do you! You killed off Movieboy and JYD because they were competitors for Molly.
Darksider: Well....you have a point there. But, in that case, Bulworth or Speaker could have done the same.
Bulworth: I’m not the murderer. I spent the night with Molly.
Speaker: I thought I did...
Molly: Uh...er...uh....I still think the killer was a troll or something.
Beast: But Molly...you could probably be the killer...for the same reasons as Sailor Uranus. Now that Wargy and Siren are dead, you two are the only competitors for Crankyland Goddess.
sOc: I have to agree with Beast, Molly. You do have motive, and you seem vicious enough.
Bulworth: Back, off, sOc. You seemed to know an awful lot of information about the murders.
(sOc backs down and sits silently)
Beast: So...you all have motive. You’re all suspects.
Sailor Uranus: Well, what about you?
Beast: I have no motive for killing those four. None.
(Everybody thinks about this.)
Darksider: But doesn’t that make you the most likely killer?
Beast: In what way?
(Simon, and Mr. W walk by.)
Simon: Hey, did you hear about what happened yesterday?
Mr. W: You jacked off again?
Simon: No. I was walking along, spying on couples having sex when suddenly I hear this banging sound and I saw that Wargy chick and Junk Yard Dick (Mr. W starts giggling) getting on. Well, I got really horny, and suddenly, this guy in a white robe comes out and kills them!
Mr. W: No shit!
Beast: You SAW Wargy get killed?
Darksider: Did you tape it?
Simon: No, you homo, I don’t tape people having sex.
Mr. W: That’s not a bad idea though...
Beast: Did you see anything unusual about the killer?
Bulworth: Was it male or female?
Sailor Uranus: Any particular features?
Simon: Shut up! You’re scaring me! (runs away with Mr. W following)
Beast: Well, that did a lot.
(Richard B. Bernstein and XYZ walk on.)
RBB: But calling someone stupid is asking them to acknowledge a period in their lives when they commited a action without thought!
XYZ: But it’s also an insult to stupid people!
Molly: RBB! What do you think of the murders? RBB: Murders?
Bulworth: It’s all over the papers.
RBB: Oh, please. I don’t read about anything after 1843. Offends me to the extreme.
(RBB walks off with XYZ. Everyone else keeps talking. The camera slowly backs away from them until they’re a distant blot. Randy from Scream walks onto the screen)
Randy: So...who is the killer? Is it Bulworth, killing out of love for Molly? Or Sailor Uranus, killing to get ahead in the goddess competition? Or maybe it was Molly, killing for the same reason as our good sailor friend, or Speaker and Darksider, killing for Bulworth’s reasons? But doesn’t sOc’s knowledge seem suspicious to you? How about Simon’s idiocy? Or maybe RBB’s haughty attitude make him the killer...or Beast’s lack of ties to any of the victims. Who is the killer? Wait for later installments!
(Randy jumps into a passing news van)
(The scene cuts to Crankyland subway. Since no one else lives near him, he is in an empty subway. The room is dimly lit and slightly grimy. RBB is holding a large briefcase. He sits calmly, drumming his fingers. Cheerful muzak plays. Suddenly, a huge thud is heard on the roof of the subway. RBB glances up but then looks forward again. A second bump comes, and there is a pounding. RBB seems worried. He gets up off his seat and touches the ceiling. More pounding thuds reverberate around the subway cabin, getting more violent and frantic. Finally, they stop.)
RBB: Hello? Is someone up there?
(Finally, against his better judgement, RBB smashes his suitcase through the window. He leans out and screams. There, on the roof, is XYZ. He has been viciously nailed to the ceiling and is banging his head on it in horror. RBB turns around to run and runs straight into the killer who was standing right behind him. The killer’s gloved hand grabs RBB and shoves his face out the window, struggling to push him over. RBB flails his hands but the killer overpowers him, pushing him farther and farther out. RBB claws at the killer, struggles to hit him in the face but it’s no use. The killer simply keeps pushing RBB further and further. RBB, in desperation, reaches into his pocket and draws his replica Civil War pocket bayonet and jams it into the killers arm. The killer gasps and shoves RBB aside. RBB gets up and tries to run but the killer lunges after. RBB grabs his suitcase, still covered in glass, and hits the killer across the face with it. The suitcase flies open. The killer grabs the suitcase and throws RBB to the ground. The professor screams but it’s not use. The killer slams the suitcase shut on RBB’s head hard enough to make blood fly in all directions. The killer keeps opening and slamming the suitcase until RBB’s head is nothing but a bloody pulp. The professor collapses, chunks of his head everywhere. The killer is about to walk away when he notices a paper on the ground. He picks it up and scans it over.)
Killer: So it was you. I shoulda known.
(Killer walks casually into the back of the train.)
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