No Strings Attached

Bomb Rating: 

Hollywood would love us to believe that there exists a world where people as beautiful as Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman are unable to find love, or even sex, due to how complicated their lives are. Hollywood would also love for us to buy in to the idea that they can keep re-making the same movie over and over and simply update the cast, making it fresh, new and exciting. The marriage of these two concepts is the shit-core that drives the nuclear reactor of pain that is "No Strings Attached."

If you've ever been in a relationship, then please send me an email sometimes because I would love to hear what that's like. My entire life has been spent chasing the empty thrills of anonymous sex in highway rest stop bathrooms and behind the counter at Taco Bell, so maybe that's why I didn't "get" the plot of "No Strings Attached." Or maybe the reason I didn't "get" this horrible movie was because I still have the remnants of a soul pulsing somewhere deep in my loins, a soul that is unable to believe in the mandroid that is Kutcher and the dark power that serves as his puppet master, Demi Moore.

Let's face it – perfect people don't have sex, they are bred in bio-pods in the depths of the La Brea tar pits, where their inescapable visages are expertly crafted by experienced genetic engineers. Portman and Kutcher know as much about sex as I do about exactly how much ether is required to subdue a decent sized horse, which is perhaps a bad analogy but which only further reinforces my point that robots should not be trusted – let along robots that bump beautiful uglies on the silver screen.

"No Strings Attached" tries to throw in all of the typical date movie trappings, like the freewheeling movie star dad, the geek sexy production assistant and the token black friend, but ultimately it falls flat. If you are going to make a movie about empty sex, then at least include a few Czech prostitutes or a cameo from Peter North. Or maybe just create a script featuring dialogue lifted entirely from the Craigslist personal section. Either way, someone's going to do something they don't really want to do for a Green Card.

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