This is one of those movies they make to give old people something to do in the afternoon. Can you say "nursing home field trip"? Other than me, there were perhaps ten people in the audience. If you added their ages together and went back in time that many years, you'd likely end up in the middle of a Crusade.

Every time Walter Matthau would say something I didn't find remotely funny, the old people in the audience would laugh briefly, then cough violently, and that would send my mind into a bit of oddsmaking: were my chances better at laughing during this movie or having to perform CPR on some toothless old hag?

While Matthau plays the messy Oscar, Jack Lemmon plays the neat and tidy Felix -- the whiniest old man of all time. If this sounds like "Grumpier Old Men III," well, okay. The only difference between the two is that director Howard Deutch plays that "Odd Couple" theme music every few seconds like some sort of repeated denial. What more could one ask from a guy with such career-ending credits as "Getting Even With Dad" and "The Great Outdoors"?

Incidentally, this is a road movie, with Felix and Oscar trying to get to their children's wedding. At one point they run into a couple of women (Christine Baranski and Jean Smart) who come on to them. Let me tell you, seeing Christine Baranski bend over ranks right up there with having pit bulls playing tug-o-war with my scrotum. At this point, however, the fits of coughing ceased as several men in the audience simply fainted dead away.

Shortly after this I noticed that Walter Matthau looks like he has muskrats coming out of his ears. Isn't there some way to remove that hair digitally? Where the hell are the ILM wizards when you need them?