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SCENE: A dilapidated, seedy tavern. The type of place that's dark not because of the ambience, but because nobody's bothered to buy new lightbulbs. A grey cat walks cautiously across the floor, occasionally stopping to distastefully sniff one of the patrons who has passed out on the floor. A blue neon light in the window attempts to flicker "CRANKYLAND TAVERN", but the "C" is burned out. Flies hover aimlessly in the thick, smoky air, trying to discern the exact location of the urinal cake smell that permeates the place. "The Thrill is Gone" plays mournfully on the jukebox in the back.
Only two people appear to be conscious in the entire establishment, the barkeeper, and a slight individual who hunches over the bar, staring at his reflection in a bottle of bottom-shelf Tequila. We can only see him from behind. With a great deal of effort, he raises his right hand and waves it vaguely at the bartender.
SLIGHT INDIVIDUAL: Gimme a double.
BARTENDER: Excuse me?
SLIGHT INDIVIDUAL (annoyed): I said, gimme a double.
BARTENDER: What's a double?
SLIGHT INDIVIDUAL: Haven't you ever been to the movies? Whenever they wanna get drunk fast, they order a double.
BARTENDER: So, then, is a double just twice as much as a regular drink?
(Long pause.)
SLIGHT INDIVIDUAL: I guess so.
BARTENDER: Ok, coming right up. I guess I'm gonna have to put it in a beer mug though 'cause these regular glasses aren't big enough.
SLIGHT INDIVIDUAL (under his breath): Whatever.
(BARTENDER prepares the drink and places it in front of SLIGHT INDIVIDUAL. SLIGHT INDIVIDUAL takes a slug, and notices BARTENDER is staring at him nervously.)
SLIGHT INDIVIDUAL: What?
BARTENDER: You know, I'm going to have to charge you twice as much for that.
SLIGHT INDIVIDUAL: WHAT?!
BARTENDER: You know, twice the drink, twice the price.
SLIGHT INDIVIDUAL: Haven't you ever heard of economies of scale?
(short pause)
BARTENDER: Oh.
SLIGHT INDIVIDUAL: Look, forget it. How about giving me a 40 ouncer instead?
BARTENDER: Certainly, sir. Would you like it with or without the paper bag?
SLIGHT INDIVIDUAL: With.
(BARTENDER hands SLIGHT INDIVIDUAL a bottle of Crazy Horse. SLIGHT INDIVIDUAL begins to methodically gulp it down.)
(The door to the bar opens, letting in a blast of cold air and the sound of police sirens. A pleasant looking man wearing a nice suede coat walks in. As he approaches the bar, we see that it is JEFF CRAIG of Sixty Second Preview fame. He sits down at the bar next to SLIGHT INDIVIDUAL. They do not look at each other. )
(The camera angle changes to face the two of them, and we see for the first time that SLIGHT INDIVIDUAL is in fact BLURB BOY, renowned film critic.)
(BARTENDER approaches JEFF CRAIG, who shakes his head dismissively. BARTENDER walks down to the other side of the bar to dust off some peanuts.)
(There is another long pause.)
JEFF CRAIG: Flurb Foy told me that I'd find you here.
BLURB BOY: What brings you to this neck of the woods, Mr. Sixty Second Preview? Looking for some celebrity ass to kiss? Well ya ain't gonna find it here!
(BLURB BOY vomits into an ashtray)
JEFF CRAIG: You really should get that checked out.
BLURB BOY: What? I think any man who's sitting in his own urine should be able to vomit whereever the hell he pleases.
JEFF CRAIG: That's nice. Now, listen, Blurb Boy. You and I go way back- all the way back to the first year of Blurb School. We've pretty much seen it all together. And now I'm telling you- it's time you got back to work. You haven't blurbed since November. You can't keep beating yourself up like this.
BLURB BOY: Eh, what the hell's the use, Jeff Craig? My life is the pits. Ever since I had to go into rehab to kick my Prozac habit, everything's fallen apart around me.
JEFF CRAIG: Well, what about your career as a newspaper magnate?
BLURB BOY: We had some union problems over at the GAZETTE. Some Teamsters/Trolls or something- they took over the plant and destroyed it.
JEFF CRAIG: Well, why not just dedicate yourself full time to Blurb Girl?
BLURB BOY: She left me, Jeff Craig. She left me to dedicate herself full-time to the mini-triathalon circuit.
No, there's no use. It's all over. My days of blurbing are finished.
(There is a loud crash, and the ceiling collapses almost directly above JEFF CRAIG and BLURB BOY. Through the ceiling falls a CIRCUS GEEK with a pike through his head, a paperclip piercing his nose, and blood streaming down all over his body. He is also holding a decapitated chicken. CIRCUS GEEK and a large quantity of plaster land with a crash on the bar.)
(There is a long, awkard pause. CIRCUS GEEK looks at JEFF CRAIG and BLURB BOY, then looks over at BARTENDER.)
CIRCUS GEEK: Er... is this the Beast movie?
BARTENDER: No, you want the SPICEWORLD forum. Down the street, your second left at the light.
CIRCUS GEEK: Sorry about the mess.
(Embarrassed, he runs from the bar.)
BLURB BOY: Anyway, what was I saying? No, no, there's no room in Crankyland anymore for a Mr. Cheerful to show you the bright side of every movie in 8 words or less. Maybe I could start up a career as a... as a... SOCIOPATHIC film critic!
JEFF CRAIG: Actually, I don't think they're hiring.
BLURB BOY: Oh, Jeff Craig, what's the use? It's all over for me. I should just kill myself and stop being such a blight on everyone's life.
JEFF CRAIG: Oh yeah, Blurb Boy? (Strings begin to swell in the background.) Well, then.... just imagine what Crankyland would be like IF YOU HAD NEVER POSTED IN THE FIRST PLACE!
BLURB BOY: What the hell are you talking about? I didn't post here for 3 months and nobody even noticed. No movie reviews, no papers, and nobody batted an eyebrow. EVERYTHING WAS EXACTLY THE SAME. Trolls, impostors, interrupted occasionally by someone accidentially saying something worthwhile.
JEFF CRAIG: Oh.
(Another long pause.)
JEFF CRAIG: Well, you win, Blurb Boy. I guess maybe you are meant to spend the rest of your life seeing how much abuse your liver can take.
(JEFF CRAIG reaches inside his coat and pulls out a magazine, which he begins to read idly.)
BLURB BOY (looking over): Whatcha reading?
JEFF CRAIG: Oh, nothing. You wouldn't be interested.
BLURB BOY: No, really.
JEFF CRAIG: Oh, just this week's ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY.
BLURB BOY: Oh yeah? What's that on the cover?
JEFF CRAIG: Nothing important.
BLURB BOY: Come on! Tell me!
JEFF CRAIG: Oh, they announced the Oscar nominations.
BLURB BOY: Really, huh?
JEFF CRAIG: Yep.
(A medium-sized pause.)
BLURB BOY: So how many nominations did GATTACA get?
JEFF CRAIG: Oh, none.
BLURB BOY: WHAT?!!?
(He snatches away the magazine and begins to scour it)
BLURB BOY: Nothing for A THOUSAND ACRES... EVENT HORIZON, shut out... CONSPIRACY THEORY, nowhere in sight... Damn it, Jeff Craig, who was in charge of the pre-nomination publicity... wait a minute... WHERE'S SLY STALLONE?!??! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HIS YEAR!!!!! HE LOST 40 POUNDS TO MAKE "COP LAND"!!!! HE PERFECTED THAT WHOLE SENSITIVE GUY THING!!! HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO HIM??!??!?!
(BLURB BOY falls on his knees, crushing the magazine in his fist. He looks up to the heavens.)
BLURB BOY: I swear, Sly Stallone, other Hollywood superstars will not be denied like you were denied, not on my watch! I'm back!!! I'm going to review every wonderful, thought-provoking, cinematic blockbuster known to man!!! I won't rest until EVERYONE has been nominated for an award!!! And not those crappy awards they show on the Lifetime channel!!! Everyone gets nominated for an award show that's on broadcast TV!!! Come on Jeff Craig, pay my bar tab!!! I've got some blurbing to catch up on!!!!
(The music turns up in the background. JEFF CRAIG and BLURB BOY get up on the bar and begin dancing and singing:)
SONG:
I get knocked down
But I get up again
You aren't ever gonna keep me down
I get knocked down
But I get up again
You aren't ever gonna keep me down
Blurbing the night away
Blurbing the night away
He uses adjectives
He uses superlatives
He uses action verbs
He uses happy words
He says the blurbs that'll get you to the movies
He says the blurbs that are going to behoove thee
(Oh, Blurby Boy, Blurby Boy, Blurby Boy)
(The door to a phone booth slams open in the back of the bar. THE MAN WHO NEVER GOES TO THE MOVIES sticks his head out.)
THE MAN WHO NEVER GOES TO THE MOVIES: Jeez, can you keep it down? I'm trying to have phone sex with my wife in here!!!
BLURB BOY: Sorry sir!
(BLURB BOY and JEFF CRAIG head for the exit.)
JEFF CRAIG: You've got your work cut out for you, Blurb Boy. There's another Wayans Bros. movie that just came out.
BLURB BOY: Ooooooo. I mean OOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
(They exit.)
FIN
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