Out Cold

Bomb Rating: 

If you're going to make a ski and sex farce, show some naked women and don't be coy about it.

Apparently the filmmakers of this backyard fiasco gave Lee Majors' character the same last name so Lee wouldn't forget it. Lee has been out of acting for that long. I mean, Jesus Christ, Lee "Six Million Dollar Man" Majors? You couldn't scream "crap!" louder if you threw a scorpion down Pavarotti's pants during "Rigoletto."

And just a brief word for directors Brendan and Emmett Malloy: If you're going to make a ski and sex farce, show some naked women and don't be coy about it. Developer John Majors (Lee Majors) shows up at this Alaskan ski resort to buy the place out and he brings along his Swedish stepdaughter whose chest looks like a NASA launching pad. How about showing those babies? And I don't mean from the side. You tease the men of the audience by shaking Inga's boobs around in our face and then when she finally undoes her bikini top, you cut to the infamous back shot. That does not make me like you.

The mountain's top snowboarder is Rick (Jason London), who agrees to go along with Majors' plan to revamp the mountain even though it means Rick's friends will be unemployed. There's this whole subplot about Rick's old girlfriend, who turns out to be Majors' daughter. For some unknown reason she's partly French, which means that the actress can partly do a French accent. It's the same with the Swedish girl -- her accent sounds like it was learned in her trailer about five minutes before the film began.

There's also a character named Pigpen because since Charles Schultz died, hack filmmakers like the Malloys can crap all over his memory with total impunity. The actor who plays him, Derek Hamilton, appears to be doing an imitation of Crispin Glover, of all people. Yeah, when I think ski movie, I think Crispin Glover. The character has a dream where he's trapped in a gondola car with the Swedish female ski team and they go topless in a Rapunzel-like effort to escape the gondola. They have nice backs, too. Theaters should show "Out Cold" out back.

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