If the thought of Walter Matthau and Dyan Cannon sleeping together isn't enough to make you vomit your tub-o-popcorn in a graceful arc over the dozen rows in front of you, then you're ready for the curdled milk and rotten fish eating contest held on the world's fastest Tilt-O-Whirl in my former hometown.

After Charlie (Matthau) tricks his brother-in-law and widower, Herb (Jack Lemmon), into going on a cruise where they serve as dance hosts, he meets Liz (Cannon) and starts his mating ritual, best described as "101 techniques for landing a rich broad." The very concept of Matthau and Cannon doing anything together other than planning Matthau's funeral is difficult to fathom. In reality, Dyan's character would be more likely to grow gills and jump over the side than lube at the prospect of a naked, engorged Walter Matthau, who's older than her mother, Mavis (Elaine Stritch), by at least a decade.

So while Charlie is wooing Liz and avoiding the cruise director, Godwyn (Brent Spiner), Herb is dancing and falling in love with Vivian (Gloria De Haven), another self-loathing widow who fits right in on this depression-addled love boat. The addition of dance hosts Donald O'Connor and Hal Linden renders this film less a comedy and more a version of "Cruise of the Living Dead." Where's George Romero when you need him?