The Phantom

Bomb Rating: 

The creators of this cinematic experience are trying to push their effort off as a "children's picture." Just how did this get to be a "children's picture"? Director Simon ("Lonesome Dove") Wincer would probably have you believe that "we just thought it would be a great idea to make a superhero film for kids." It's a lot more likely they finished shooting the thing and said, "Man, this movie is a cold cup of dog pee. Get marketing on the phone. Now!"

I predict that when the returns come in for "The Phantom" we'll have pretty conclusive proof that eight-year-olds are winning the intellectual tug-of-war with their movie executive counterparts. The Phantom (Billy Zane) has a horse, a wolf, a couple of guns, a purple suit, a quick wit and a problem with some skulls that can be put together to create "a supernatural power." Since it's an eight-year-old's movie, here's the eight-year-old's review:

Superman vs. The Phantom -- result: The Phantom's polyester suit causes the Man of Steel to sneeze. Phlegm shrapnel rips a hole in The Phantom's chest and kills him.

Batman vs. The Phantom -- result: Batman takes a Jacuzzi while Robin kicks The Phantom's ass.

Bambi vs. The Phantom -- result: Bambi quickly makes The Phantom his "bitch."

The Olson Twins vs. The Phantom -- result: draw. Mary Kate is trampled to death by the horse, but Ashley is able to break into a rendition of "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow." The Phantom kills himself.

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