The Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Bomb Rating: 

The film is based upon the ride preferred by all the loser kids who pee their pants on Space Mountain. Then again, just about any ride is a reprieve from being groped by a full-grown man in a Goofy outfit, so who can blame them?

Everybody who sees this film is going to ask the same question, so it's only fitting that I provide the answer quickly: "Because he knew he was going to be starring in a film produced by Jerry ('Blow It Up!') Bruckheimer based on a Disneyland amusement park ride." Oh, I almost forgot, here's the question: "Why does Johnny Depp spend more than two hours acting like he's blitzed on rum?"

Indeed, the film is based upon the ride preferred by all the loser kids who pee their pants on Space Mountain. Then again, just about any ride is a reprieve from being groped by a full-grown man in a Goofy outfit, so who can blame them?

"Pirates of the Caribbean" might not have been so excruciatingly long had director Gore ("The Mexican") Verbinski come to some conclusion about the identity of his main character. Is it the pirate Jack Sparrow (Depp) or the boring blacksmith Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), who's desperate to show Miss Swann (Keira Knightley) how he fullers his sword? Naturally, she's inconveniently betrothed to the ultra-stiff Norrington (Jack Davenport), providing a minor complication solved by predictable heroics. Sparrow and Turner set off to save her after she's kidnapped by Capt. Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) and his cursed crew.

With two protagonists, there are twice as many action sequences, twice as many close-ups, and the film runs nearly twice as long as necessary. I recommend asking for twice your money back.

DVD Comments:
Who has time for all these extras? I mean, I have a life. There's like 10 hours of bonus material on this thing. Even if you thought this was the best film ever made (which is quite honestly is not), would you really want to spend 10 hours watching deleted scenes and listening to Gore Verbinski talk about what a great woman his costume designer is? That's all I could handle here Ð listening to one of the three commentary tracks, the one with Verbinski and Johnny Depp, who to their credit, spend most of the time spreading the thanks around. It's nice of them, but doesn't really make for great listening. There are also 19 deleted scenes, a blooper reel, a making-of featurette, and a flood of other things.