The Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Bomb Rating: 

Everybody who sees this film is going to ask the same question, so it's only fitting that I provide the answer quickly: "Because he knew he was going to be starring in a film produced by Jerry ('Blow It Up!') Bruckheimer based on a Disneyland amusement park ride." Oh, I almost forgot, here's the question: "Why does Johnny Depp spend more than two hours acting like he's blitzed on rum?"

Indeed, the film is based upon the ride preferred by all the loser kids who pee their pants on Space Mountain. Then again, just about any ride is a reprieve from being groped by a full-grown man in a Goofy outfit, so who can blame them?

"Pirates of the Caribbean" might not have been so excruciatingly long had director Gore ("The Mexican") Verbinski come to some conclusion about the identity of his main character. Is it the pirate Jack Sparrow (Depp) or the boring blacksmith Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), who's desperate to show Miss Swann (Keira Knightley) how he fullers his sword? Naturally, she's inconveniently betrothed to the ultra-stiff Norrington (Jack Davenport), providing a minor complication solved by predictable heroics. Sparrow and Turner set off to save her after she's kidnapped by Capt. Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) and his cursed crew.

With two protagonists, there are twice as many action sequences, twice as many close-ups, and the film runs nearly twice as long as necessary. I recommend asking for twice your money back.

DVD Comments:
Who has time for all these extras? I mean, I have a life. There's like 10 hours of bonus material on this thing. Even if you thought this was the best film ever made (which is quite honestly is not), would you really want to spend 10 hours watching deleted scenes and listening to Gore Verbinski talk about what a great woman his costume designer is? That's all I could handle here Ð listening to one of the three commentary tracks, the one with Verbinski and Johnny Depp, who to their credit, spend most of the time spreading the thanks around. It's nice of them, but doesn't really make for great listening. There are also 19 deleted scenes, a blooper reel, a making-of featurette, and a flood of other things.

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Average: 4.5 (4 votes)

Other Cranky Content You Might Enjoy

  • While watching "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest," the sequel to the smash hit with the subtitle "Curse of the Black Pearl," I thought far more about another pirate movie.

  • I have three gigantic problems with this film: Johnny Depp's hair, Johnny Depp's name and Johnny Depp's surprise.

  • Is it any coincidence that the plot of this film makes about as much sense as NAFTA?

You think your neighbors are annoying

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

Fri Sep 4, 9:51 pm ET

UNIONTOWN, Pa. – A Pennsylvania history buff who recreates firearms from old wars accidentally fired a 2-pound cannonball through the wall of his neighbor's home. William Maser, 54, fired a cannonball Wednesday evening outside his home in Georges Township that ricocheted and hit a house 400 yards away. The cannonball, about two inches in diameter, smashed through a window and a wall before landing in a closet. Authorities said nobody was hurt.

State police charged Maser with reckless endangerment, criminal mischief and disorderly conduct.

No one answered the phone Friday at Maser's home. He told WPXI-TV recreating 19th century cannons is a longtime hobby. He said he is sorry and he will stop shooting them on his property, about 35 miles southeast of Pittsburgh.

{;-) Dan in Miami

PS:  (Parting shot)  Aaaaaaargh matey.  This old pirate is telling you to keep yer mangy dog out of my flower bed or I'll blast your sun deck to smithereens and shoot an eight pound cannonball where the sun don't shine.



Sounds like an incident on THE SIMPSONS

FearlessFreep's picture

"I don't know exactly what happened, but it's always my fault"--Homer Simpson


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