Pocahontas

Bomb Rating: 

Disney has been pulling this cute animal scam for the last fifty years.

In case you didn't know this, Pocahontas was only twelve or thirteen when she met John Smith, whom she did not fall in love with. In fact, she met some other guy named John Rohlf and married him.

Disney's method of redefining history is basically this: Put two big watermelon-sized breasts on your petite little female characters and history suddenly becomes unusually fascinating. I think Disney's next movie, "The Falkland Island Adventure" stars an animated version of Margaret Thatcher with watermelon-sized breasts and a little wispy voice that allows her to perform musical numbers while leading the British Empire into battle against the Argentine "military" (which leads the world in killing dissidents, but fares poorly in actual shooting wars).

Anyway, while you're trying to ignore the fact that John Smith is probably molesting a thirteen-year-old Native American out in the forest somewhere, you can glean some enjoyment from the cute raccoon and the cute hummingbird and the cute bulldog until you realize that Disney has been pulling this cute animal scam for the last fifty years. It's time to show Disney that this cute animal thing just isn't going to work forever. Of course, maybe there's something to be said for turtles with watermelon-sized breasts.

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