Pokémon: The First Movie

Bomb Rating: 

Thomas Malthus would have been proud.

This is a great film, and here's why: It's the opportunity of a lifetime to put the Malthusian theory to the test.

One of the evil marketing ideas associated with this film is that Pokémon trading cards are included with the purchase of a ticket. Naturally, my local theater ran out five minutes after the first show of opening day. So I thought I'd help them out. I went to my local Costco and bought a bunch of the cards. As the little kiddies were waiting in line, I yelled "Pokémon cards!" at the top of my lungs, threw them into the air, and ran for my life.

Thomas Malthus would have been proud. Five ambulances and two fire trucks later, all was well with the world. I actually saw a five-year-old gouge out the eyeball of another five-year-old while his pregnant mother stood nearby, screaming "Kick his ass!" at the top of her lungs. Fortunately, tossing down a rare Pikachu card between her and a 300lb. ex-con taught her an important lesson about sharing. Isn't human nature wonderful?

Just to prove I sat through this 90-minute commercial from hell, I will duly note that it teaches us at the end that we should all get along despite our differences. The evil, cloned Mewtwo learns from one of the humans -- who sacrifices himself to save the Pokémon -- that it's better to cooperate than to kill without reservation. Odd that Phillip Morris has been spouting this same mantra of late. This, of course, is merely advertising speak for 'By all means, keep sucking up cheap Pokémon crap like the brain-damaged sheep that you are.'

To spread the word about this Pokémon: The First Movie review on Twitter.